Breakout i just have to rant this out. i can't stand it. i need to fuckin' withdraw myself from you. and you're makin' it REAL hard for me. Please, if u understand anythin' at all, let me do it my way. You're makin' me go thru' hell with half n' half. either i do it or you do it.
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Pastures are Always Greener on the Other Side... Today was one of those days that really defines who I am.
- the daughter who rejects a job which pays as much as her mum earns after working for 25
years
- the girl who leaves the secure job with everything covered to go to an unknown area with a
half-as-fulfilling job
- the person who feels like God is ripping her heart just to make the decision. Yet, she chooses
tougher path but more fun, because she is too playful for her own good and she doesnt know
what it's like to be broke in a BIG ASS city.
- the student who always wanted to go to NYC and swore she would not be like other students
who didnt get a job after graduation
- the arrogant girl who thinks that it could not be possible that not even ONE American wants to
hire me because i am stupid.
The only difference with this decision and the one I made (I did??) to come to U.S. is that I can come back to Milwaukee and not be mocked at for being a baby.
Had I gone back to Malaysia for good after 9 months in U.S. bcz i "cannot tahan", I swear I have to wear one of those monkey face masks everywhere I go.
C'mon, not gonna lie. I laugh at my friends who go to Australia for one week and have to come back cz they are homesick. If you're a guy, my heart goes out to you when you see me laugh.
I can totally imagine everyone mocking me when I go back with phrases like:
"Haha! I knew it la! Siew Ann where can tahan without maid on her own??"
"Yalar...she doesnt even know how to cook rice." (which I now know!)
"Aiyo...poor thing laaa....good thing she come back laa.....got ppl jaga her here."
Gawd.......I rather go through a lobotomy than hear all these scandalous remarks!
And now if I come back to Milwaukee, my parents and darling friends would absolutely understand that:
1. I wanna help my parents save money by not shopping in SoHo every week if I don't have a
decent job.
2. I miss my friends so much I need them to make me happy. (how pathetic!)
3. I miss Milwaukee and the stupid yeast smell (REALLLYYY....is that even remotely possible?)
Point is:
Decision made. Apartment settled. Tickets near booked. Job lost. Job found. I have to go to the EPAL BESAR. Be happy for me, people, that I get to be broke in SoHo, while u be broke in wherever you are: Milwaukee, Coventry, Texas, Sydney, Melbourne, Kuala Lumpur, London, Petaling Jaya.
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Wild Thoughts Can Tame the Chick A recent conversation with D sparked up some wild thoughts of mine. The topic of the conversation shall remain undisclosed.
Somehow, I imagined you in hot pink pants and yellow spaghetti strap top, first. You were awesome. Tugging at your pants and singing like a rock star. While enticing me with your hairy unshaved legs. This scene was wholesomely plucked out from PS I Love You while it was playing through my mind. After watching me laugh to my heart's content and amusing me to your heart's content, you do a sexy 'rawr!' and crawl to bed right next to me. Be it instincts or just from knowing you, I know that you enjoyed doing it. you enjoyed making me laugh. you enjoyed the attention I shower on you. I enjoyed the performance. I enjoyed the laughter. I enjoyed the loud humor. and I enjoyed laughing at you making a fool out of yourself. and we enjoyed everything else after that.
Somehow, I imagined you in hot pink pants and yellow spaghetti strap top, later. You were great. Tugging at your pants and singing like a rock star. While enticing me with your hairy unshaved legs. This scene was wholesomely plucked out from PS I Love You while it was playing through my mind. After amusing me a lil, and making me laugh so hard like I've never before, you turned pink and shy and jump right into bed next to me. Be it instincts or just from knowing you, I know that you were a lil awkward doing it, but you wanted to make me happy sincerely from the bottom of your heart. I was happy. I know you were shy from doing it. Yet you were satisfied when you saw that smile and the moment I broke into an uncontrollable laughter, you knew you hit jackpot. I enjoyed watching you being shy, yet doing it for me. I enjoyed the performance and the sincerity deep down. and we enjoyed everything else after that.
Which scene should I be imagining? Which scene would ANY girl want to imagine?
First: I think you know me so well sometimes I find it hard to hide anything from you. I lose my sense of self-confidence and the shell that I always have for self-protection. I laugh so hard, I feel thoroughly comfortable and warm with you.
Second: I think I know you better than you know me? and that scares me a lil sometimes. whether you don't understand me or you can't, or worst: you don't want to. I always have a sense of pride and self-confidence when I'm with you. and I like that. I laugh and enjoyed myself throughly, but there's an extra element present between us: awkwardness. lack of enthusiasm on your part and over-pushing on my part. Everything else feels perfect once you admitted your shyness in doing it.
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Pillow Fights with the boy. The bed that we both saved up for. It's the exact same bed that Westin's guests sleep on. The fluffiness of the 2 pillows propped up against the head of the bed. The one bolster that's propped up against the 2 pillows. It was my idea to get the bolster. He was of the opinion that we are each other's bolster. so why buy one, when u can get it for free? :) I insisted on it for those nights that we weren't on talking terms, but felt like hugging something to sleep, which were of course far and few. And I insisted on getting just one, so the person who's upset gets to hug it while the one who made the person upset suffers alone, without hugging anything to sleep.
Dressed in an oversized white tee which bore the Marquette logo, I laid on my Westin bed reading this month's Cleo. Whilst thinking of a creative slogan so I could participate in the SKII Air Touch Foundation competition (the wonders of it is for another post), my bum got whacked by something soft. Instinctively turning around, I got an instant peck from the boy before I even managed to go "hey hunny".
Feeling like a lil rascal, I jumped at my chance when he threw the pillow onto the bed. I grabbed at it and started whacking him profusely. (ok, that didnt sound quite right. it sounded more like abuse)
He retaliated and took the other pillow and started chasing me around the room. There was one last thing on the bed, and it was mine. Pillow in one hand and bolster in another, we were chasing each other around the room, trying to hit each other with the pillow and silly me, with the bolster. I could barely walk fast enough with those two giants in my hand, let alone being chased.
He stopped when he could tell my arms were sore and stood there so I could hit him as much as I wanted. Then I plonked my tush on the bed, exhausted from the night's exercise. He fell right into bed next to me.
Lying next to my Cleo magazine, he hugged me from behind, stroking my long straight hair and tucking them behind my ears. The boy softly asked if I loved him eventhough we have to save so hard for a Westin bed and a decent mid-sized apartment. Without hesitating, I answered in a soft whisper, yes.
As I laid down and my eyelids grew heavier, all I could manage was a nod. Growing up, this is the life I've always pictured. And this time, my camera was a real good one. The picture was clear and sharp as a knife.
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One conversation It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry....
Innocence is brilliant....
It made me cry, sob, wail, smile, laugh. (notice how there's 3 sad and 2 happy? :)
I let it pass me by.
I need chui wa to fly here to slap the shit out of me and tell me to wake up.
I can't I can't I can't.
We were kissing on nobody's street. Jacky Cheung was singing out what my heart felt.
I went from 18 to 21. I went from happy and elated to sad and depressed.
I'm such a bitch that no one will ever want to date me again.
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testing. what size do you wear?
By 
, at
Thu Apr 10, 06:43:00 PM
International Day Ohhh, the weekend was a blast and it was a good break from that tormenting week. I was just so bummed from work, with a headache. April 4, Friday, was Marquette's International Day. It was AWESOME. We sold ABC, from that tiny lil machine that ichen has, which I brought back all the way from KL. US$1 per bowl. Nasi lemak and rendang beef were given away as samples. Event was from 10am - 2pm. By 11am, ALL the rendang and nasi were gone. WTH u americans! It was 10 blardy cup of freakin' rice! Our profit was a good 500%. Sold about 75 bowls.
On the other hand, our haze neighbors, sold EVERY SINGLE THING. one piece of pisang goreng for US$1. That's daylight robbery. And Americans were happy being robbed. They sold ondeh-ondeh, murtabak, and one other thing. Their profit was 1000%. And they made about $300 plus. So you tell me what's the cost. I guess this International Day thing is turning into a money-making event more than a cultural/promoting Malaysia eh??
Watch out Indons! We're coming :p
Pictures will be up soon.
As for the weekend, hmm....went to this Amazing Thai restaurant called Thai Bar-B-Q. it's cheap. like US$10 and we were full to the brim with finger lickin' good food + dessert + tips. How much better can it get? It's on 35th & National. The next thing would be to find a bus route that goes there. Sat nite, was Izumi's. Lovely fine Japanese dining. Service sucked as usual since it was peak hour. Sunday brunch was Elliot's Bistro - French restaurant with very nice food. Brought my parents there for brunch too, after graduation. This weekend has to be the best food consumed by far.
Other businesses:
Im thinking of moving to NYC. Nuhh...slash that. what thinking? I've already made up my mind to move to NYC and try my luck to see if i can get a job. One month. That's all I'm givin' muhself. If I don't get no shit within that time, I'm outta there. Back to summer-y Milwaukee, while waitressing, enjoying summer with muh frens, summerfesting, traveling, etc. Sometimes, its almost as if I dont want to get a job in NYC. I'm just going there so i can tell myself, there u go! i've tried :)
mummy's prolly gonna have to visit me in my dingy studio in NYC then. tee hee. If I do get a job, sighh...it's gonna be a low paying one, and i still have to waitress on weekends and it'll be barely enuff to cover my living expenses. and anyway, can u imagine siew ann waitressing? I think my first paycheck would go to all the Corelle plates and bowls. how sad. thank goodness, fork and knives aren't breakable.
NABEH!! (kitty's influence), i wanna have an all gal's trip in August before everyone starts school! but how can lehh??? only if i dont get a job and im back in Milwaukee then can lor. but i cannot be praying i dont get a job right? then if i dont get a job, after the gals' trip in August, in September i can go home leh...when it starts to get cold. hehe...for all the 6 fuckin' months of winter cold I endured here, I have to take some back and enjoy my summer. After that, we can all pack our bags and go home hunny!
muahs~~
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I've been to Chicago 10 times. have you? On every short break that I get, I go to Chicago. It's odd. Im not in love with the city, neither am i with the ppl. I guess it's the only place where I can get good decent Chinese food. Unlike all u lucky Australian idiots.
"Eh, when you flying?"
"Tomorrow night."
"You still havent started packing yet???????"
"Eh..chill la! pack la tmr afternoon!"
"____"
like what the hell. we US-ers pack a week before hand ok? because our mummies and daddies have to rush to the groceries last minute to get us all the perencah we need for rendang, curry, fried rice, etc.
then they have to rush back all the way to the pasar malam to get us our ikan bilis. both small and big. both fried and unfried. plus our kakaks have to rushhhhhh their daily chores so they can fry our ikan bilis, fry our onion slices, carry our luggage up and down the stairs and wash all the clothes that we wanna bring back to US. cz us, Americans, dont get to fly back every semester.
Trip participants: Sara, Jannah, I-Chen, Siew Ann
Mode of transportation: bus, subway, bus 11.
Purpose: Food, shopping (I wasn't supposed to -->i only spent $7 on a forever 21 cardigan, plus plus plus...it's so pweetee, u can't blame me), oh and how can i forget, CLUBBING.
Sara did her research well, we were gonna go to Sound Bar. this like famous famous bar la. mana tau kan.........that place was filled with indians and asians. it was like some congregation of some sort for all the illegal immigrants. only thing different was these immigrants....man.....they were well-dressed. the gals were hot and sexay mamas. and the guys were...ngehhh..decent. 1 or 2 were good looking, but that's about it. and a fashion show came along with it. u'll see...
Grand Lux Cafe, famous for their molten chocolate cake. ~roomies~
everyone just HAS to take a picture with the dessert.
pigging out at Joy Yee's. our pent-up urge for chinese food is all let loose here.
of all days we chose to go chicago, we chose a Snow Day. it was a blizzard out there. we saw so many cars stray off the road and just got stuck in the snow. it was funny. u shld see it one day.
back at hotel allerton. tip top tap. after clubbing.
at Sound Bar...
first time i see male model have less clothes on than the female model. all the same, they were hot. they HAD defined pecs though when i saw them in person. their body isnt photogenic.
the hottest chick of the night.
the only black model. man, was he sizzlin' *psssssss*
journey back to Milwaukee after a looongggggg weekendddd...
crossroads where shopping is.
inside one of the malls. westfield maybe? i dono.
post-clubbing.
look at that bimbo chic..man *sweats*We HAVE to do this again. and this time, find a club that plays R&B music PLEASEE. this stupid sound bar had so many asians for the night, cz apparently, the DJ for that night was asian. I dont care, if ur asian, black or white. but house and trance for that night totally sucked. no mood to dance or drink at all. and the drinks were cheapos too. so lil alcohol. could barely taste anything. and its $8.50 per drink. con sial.
and when we DO this again, with R&B music, it can't be just 4 gals. there's gotta be guys. MUSTHAVE. otherwise, how to grind right????????? :p
it's all about the grinding. DJ Goldfish. i like..................................................
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Currently listening to: How Did I Fall In Love with You the music. the lyrics. brings back good familiar memories.
it also brings me to a land where i can just go on dreaming. it's beautiful. and it also will never be true.
The very thing that he used to find interesting in me, it now irks him. it annoys him to pieces.
that is, how one moment i can be so happy, cheerful, and boisterous, and the next, i can be really quiet and sulking. Kendy also mentioned how he noticed this. Haha...kendy, so beware! if u ever date me, this thing that u think is odd and curious, will one day annoy the hell out of u.
He used to think it was cute, funny, weird and unique. now he finds it annoying and frustrating. i vividly remember this because i just went thru my email yesterday and that line is verbatim from his email to me.
what's a girl to do? i know your heart is not in the relationship anymore. i made every effort to tell u my activities with my friends, what im doing with who, etc.
i specifically told u who im going out with doing what, eating where way well before hand.
and u have the cheek to come back at 3am, send me a message online asking how am i. AND without even telling me where u've been! i also malas wanna ask alr. u promise me time and again that you would tell me beforehand when u go out with your friends. more so when u come back at 3 am and im online waiting. You're great. you're REALLY great. I lose. I lose to you. I completely lose. and i'm admitting it. are u happy? are u satisfied?
since i met u, i've never had a week without tears. that's how weak i am. that's how painful it has been the last 3 years in a foreign country. of course, you would never know.
i only have one question on my mind:
how did i fall in love with you?
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I must have been blind, deaf, mute, and heartless.
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I must have been blind, deaf, mute, and heartless.
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tralalalala.... Si liao lorr.. i got no job after April 30th..i will be broke, homeless and jobless.
"I am broke, not poor. never poor. Because being poor is a state of mind. I am just without money."
-Gabrielle Solis-
I need a spanking new job. why everyone wants local ppl? u think ppl from wisconsin can't do the job? im not the typical wisconsin chick ok? i didnt grow up on a farm and i dont milk cows. because im not BORN AND BRED here. get that into ur big new yorker and los angeleser head.
sigh. im just gonna have to end up waitressing at some restaurant. or maybe i can start counting cards. 21 is an awesome show. ya rite. stop dreaming. if i ever could count properly in the first place, i would probably have more money than i do right now.
*ya, so where the heck did all my money go? i must have miscounted.*
i know one thing i can do though. i can memorize mahjong tiles. kiiihhiii....fine la, it's not that big of a deal. it doesnt get me thousands of dollars. but for the heck of it. i just can. and with practice, i probably can even play with the tiles faced down and have it all pictured in front of me. i havent been able to ji mo yet..but soon soonn....i shall be able to..
and plss plssss..someone..anyone who knows how to play with flowers, points and count money*like i said, i cant count properly*, pleaseeeee prettyy please teach me how to do that...so we can make our mahjong moreeeee interesting...and get moreeeeee ppl addicted. teehee :p
