SMASHES.
I wanna smash my fucking phone at the wall. I don't know what's my limit anymore. It keeps pushing each time. I wanna know when's the last straw that I will take.
I wanna stop seeing him. But if I do, she will get closer. My decisions and viewpoints are blurred by an outsider. I can't differentiate what's right and what's not. What I shld be doing at 23 and what I shouldnt. I don't really know what I'm doing.
All I know is if I'm gonna be tortured and hurt like that, I want it to be only one guy because no fucking guy will ever get the chance to come close enough to have that power over me ever again.
What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
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Hit Again. Maybe I should start a new category: "Parents' hits". Or "mum's hits". Dad hardly ever gets there.
Was at Damansara Idaman today. Went back there to take a look at my room colors one more time so i can make a sound decision for the colors of my blinds. which btw, im going with Roman blinds. And, i decided, im gonna go with the red/maroon ones. Cz the cream/grey ones are too blend, as it is my room color is already cream.
Was also there to make a list of things i need to get for my room ie. chairs, bathroom shelves, racks, etc. After that, mum and I went to Taman Sea to a few bathroom stores to take a look at the options available. Then I told her, I will go on the Internet to look for some bathroom/shelving ideas.
So on the Internet i was,just now, looking for some sort of wacky ideas and came across some modern looking ones.
one of my favorite ones.I showed it to my mum. and here's what she had to say about it.
"tsk tsk. nextime you better marry a rich guy."
"must marry rich guy wan meh? I rich cannot wan ar?"
"aaa...ok la..can also. but u can meh? *scoffs* look at your kind of qualifications and work attitude."
I was fucking speechless. What's wrong with my qualifications? You spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to send me abroad. (yea, not ur money i know) Yes, i don't have a professional degree unlike your other daughter. Yes, I'm not an engineer or accountant. Yes, I dont have 4.0 CGPA or even anything close to it. but so fucking what?
You have not seen me at work. You have not seen me work. period. You do not know my work attitude. The only work attitude you know about me was when I was in high school. And that's not work. That's school. And I hate studying because of you. The As scored represents nothing about my capabilities and my effort. It represents your capabilities of pushing your kids and the effort as a result of that.
You know nothing about me. so shut the fuck up.
Labels: hits
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Secrets
I have an idea! (yea, i always do! - whether it's a good one onot, that's a different matter.)
I will tell you something short & personal, be it secrets/stories/beliefs once in every 2 weeks. oh um..hmm maybe not. that's a lil too often.
i may run out of secrets after awhile.
i'm really not that interesting.
oh but whatever. let's stick with 2 weeks. if i run out of something, i 'll just make something up. Americans are very good at that. Today is 25th May 2009. I'll start with today. If I forget, someone, pls remind me HARSHLY. thank uuuu.
I told my mum to upgrade the streamyx tmnet account to the 1Mbps pacakge from our current 512kbps when we move houses. Reason being she always can't hear us properly on skype when we're abroad due to the lagging. Guess what she said to me?
"It's ok. I don't talk to you."
fml.
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From solaris - Genting or UFO saucer? It's 425am and I still can't sleep. I'm not sure if it's the jet lag or the mind boggling issues. It's been 2 weeks since I came back and there was only once I slept at 9pm. Other times I was up at ungodly hours like this.
I need sleeping pills so bad. I think I'm gonna get some later today. Can't stand it anymore.
Went up to genting today in a spaghetti tank top. And it feels warmmmmmmm....
Effects of global warming LOL.
But seriously, even at night, walking from indoors to outdoors is like walking from outside to an air-conditioned place. It's not as cold as it used to be :(
Went to the haunted house which was supposedly scary, and it is undeniably scary but it was bearable. It was just a lot of tug of war with the 2 gals and 2 guys in there. 2 guys being pulled by 2 gals. Ha....milwaukees Halloween haunted house was wayyyyyy scarier though I must admit they did an awesome job with the graphics in here.
However, one that needs working
On is their leaflet. Zomg. The English that was written in the promo pamphlet was pathetic. I couldn't stop laughing. And was reprimanded by friends to "give them a break". Because after all, it's Malaysia. I read things like "you no worry if you are scared."
I kid you not. I wanted to ask them if I cld be their proofreader of something. LOL.
I have a weak tummy. I can't even handle going up genting. I suck. I'm such a pussy. Genting was never a problem for me. This is a first. Having weird tummy aches, pains, and just air trapped inside. Argh.
Daddy lovessssssssss nagging. I can't stand it! Don't tell me what to do. I already know. It's a matter of choice whether I choose to do it or not.
Oh oh oh... And in first world plaza they were having a Thai exhibition of some sort called Thai songkran. They were selling fabric, clothes and lil trinkets. On the table that was selling hair clips, general clips, etc they put a lil basket there for u to put ur shopping items in. In the basket was written "basket for your choose."
FML --> FGL. G being genting.
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Feelings from abroad It's Year 2009. My saga shld have ended. In fact, if all went according to plan and I didn't meddle with anything it shld have ended in 2008.
What am I doing here now?
I'm sitting here in front of the best plan possible. More than I could imagine. More than I can ever ask for. More than I want. It's weird. Because ppl usually never get what they want. But I do.
Instead I'm having doubts, mixed feelings...2 weeks is all it takes to rekindle something once lost. And 2 months is all it takes to lose someone after 4 yrs of effort.
"losing contact with u was a mistake."
I now have to bear the consequences. Watching him split his time. I understand but it breaks my heart to see him go through something like that.
Tonight we went out for supper. She was in the vicinity with her parents. We carried our conversations into the car parked near my housing area. She texted and demanded that he come over right now. My heart felt a lil crack instantly. I knew there was no way I wld stop him from going. I will alwis let him do what he wants.
I understand but it breaks my heart.
He left at 1am. She wanted him there in 15 mins. He told me he wld leave around 2am. And wld call me. It's now 30 mins past 2am. He prolly lost track of time. After all he once told me, "she makes me laugh more than u do." but in the same sentence he also said, "but u make me happier. "
I'm trying not to pressure him too much. He is alr receiving enuff of it from the other side. I want him to know what he's doing and make a wise decision tht will satisfy both his heart and mind.
I'm trying to understand but it breaks my heart.
This is the 4th time I'm coming back. The issues that we faced in 2005 shld be over by now. It is after all 2009. And I am turning 23. And him 26.
But I made the choice to go with my career and my self-centered desires and wishes of working abroad. This is the price I pay. My heart breaking is one thing. Watching his heart all messed up and unsure is a different thing. I may not love him anymore (yet), but I still like him. Alot.
As someone I once knew said,"no matter how long u've not spoken to him, when u go back, the feelings will be there. It will come rushing towards u."
Granted this friend of mine went to school in buffalo, his rush might have been a niagara fall type, but mine certainly wasn't. It came. But not rushing. Slowly. Calmly. Painfully.
