Malaysian-American Story

today...

2011-12-27T00:12:00.000-06:00

Today...
today is 1 day out of 1000 days I wish you were a friend. A friend I can run to, talk to and pour my eyes (soul?) out to. today. Out of the 1000 days, just 1 day.

because today is the day i realize i can't cope with the long term. Before this, it was all about the short-term. the day by day. the breathing, living, eating. just breathing is so hard to do. but i got better.

but now, it's about the long term. and i know im not there yet. it feels like im going back to short term, but i know this is long term. i wish you were a friend today. just as how you were 1000 days ago.

if i left it at Day 1, i will still have you as a friend today.

the steps aren't even in order! i keep going back and forth, back and forth, telling myself i will reach the final step eventually. but it bounces back and i have to keep repeating them. how is that possible?

Today is the day i realize i haven't gotten better for long term yet. but i should give myself a pat on the back for doing it short term. hopefully, it's not an illusion that will haunt me in 2012.

I would like you as a friend today, can do?

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-26T11:23:00.001-06:00

God grants us wishes and miracles only if we ask it specifically and we know what we want.

How can I ask God for something
If I don't even know what I want?

Up until this day, despite the soul searching, thought provoking
Discussions, I still can't answer for certain what exactly I want that God can deliver. I know what I feel and I'm quite clear on that. But what do I do and what course of action do I take based on that I really have no idea.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-26T11:16:00.001-06:00

It's true. The magic of Christmas is in the days leading to Christmas. All that Excitement, joy and shopping Is about the build up in days leading to 25th of
December.

I had my moment of excitement and happiness right before Christmas. Maybe Santa (or God?) really heard me and tried to make the last of 2011 at least a bit more bearable for me.

But the magic lasts in the build up. Once Christmas morning is here u open yr presents, share laughters then the rest of the day is gone.

Mine lasted till Christmas morning. :) nevertheless I shan't
Complain. I'm grateful for wat was
Given. It wasn't a miracle. It was a gift. A present.

But because of that I can and prolly have become greedy. Give a man an inch and he wants a mile.

If any miracles were to happen for 2011 it will hv To be in the next few Days.

Please grant me a miracle?

dear angel...

2011-12-08T11:17:00.000-06:00

I hope he sleeps better nowadays...I write him notes in the blank space at the bottom that goes unsent. and as I'm typing, I'm nervous that my finger may accidentally hit the send button. after i finish my short note, i erase it and thank god that it didnt get sent but my wishes have been written out and he was this close to reading what i really want to tell him. it makes me feel a lot better.

today i bumped into him.
"how are you coping?"
"im good. im doing okay :) how've you been? how's he doing?"

but i really wanted to say "im not okay" and give him a huge hug. i almost started tearing but i regained composure within seconds.

seeing him made me feel a sense of comfort, a sense of him, a sense of home.

I'm officially missing you..

2011-12-06T05:12:00.001-06:00

title: inspired by jayesslee

i didnt even know they came to malaysia, while i was in sydney! ironic. i would've loved to watch them perform live. but i'm sure they're just as cute live as they are on videos.

i can't believe it's only been a little more than 2 weeks. it feels like a longgggg time ago. it feels like a month or two ago. feels like in this short span of time, i've understood, comprehended, defined, grown up, moved on and am now in the midst of establishing a new routine. that's a lot of things in 2 weeks. by my standard at least.

normally, people would say "ohmigod, the past couple of weeks have been a blur and just a whirlwind." and everyone can identify with that because of the enormous amount of things happening. but this is totally untrue of thesituation. because as much as i wished it was painfully quick, it wasn't. time took its own sweet time and hence, me feeling like its 2 months even though, it's really only been 2 weeks +

but i already feel so much better. i think it's just part of me growing up. rewind 2 years ago, i would've probably cried till klang valley stops raining and i still wouldn't be done. i think i've grown up and matured in ways i cannot even comprehend. lol.

well, there's also the other option which i'd rather not explore.......

*glasses clink* to better days ahead.................

2011-09-23T00:13:00.002-05:00

Life is so different.

Dem 7 fan! i don't want to think about it, i don't want to do anything about it. I just want it to go away, and then come back in a prettily evolved manner.

i hate this shit.

i want my life back.

2011-06-27T12:16:00.001-05:00

I think after some time, we all just learn to move on.

Moving on is one of life's most beautiful gifts. It's like the world is at your feet. The options are limitless.

Screw closing one door and opening another window. We are talking about a thousand doors and windows for us to choose from. You can open and close as many as u like till you find something you like that suits u.

Move on. One of life's gifts to us. Only for those who can see it and have the strength to do so.

Tumblr

2011-06-19T02:50:00.002-05:00

Maybe ...I'll start one..

I'm sorta ...feeling in the mood lately..

To be all artsy-fartsy without knowing head or tail where I'm going with this.. (as with most things I do)

But like I always say, Heck it! just go with it!

Find someone....

2011-06-19T02:17:00.002-05:00

who'll never get tired of kissing you everyday..                (check)
who'll hug you when you're jealous...                               (check)
who'll understandingly keep silent when you're mad... (check)
who'll squeeze your hand when you're not in the mood... (check)
who'll plan and imagine the future with you in it...                (check)

and when you find that someone,
JUST NEVER LET GO!                                                                    (woops! GONE...)

The Trips

2011-06-15T11:47:00.000-05:00

So I had the Great American Trip. It feels like being given a second chance at life. somewhat.

I'm having this addiction to people's tumblr. I feel like I should get one myself. But I know myself too well. The minute I have it, I wouldn't bother much with it. I hardly even touch my PC to come online.

I blame work. the corporate ladder.

I really wonder what I want to do with my life. I see others successful in what they do. But they actually know what they want. I don't. Can't blame anyone else.

Die die die!
Tomorrow fly!
I should catch some shut-eye!

Wow, it rhymes. hmm I didnt even have to think about it. Maybe I'm destined to be a poet.

Oh shut up. it's not funny.

I just can't

2011-01-27T03:12:00.000-06:00

If I've been crying every week, or rather a few times every week, for the past 4 weeks, it means something is wrong. It means I am unhappy. This no longer makes me happy. Which explains the constant tears every week.

I think this should be done here. I do realize I'm unreasonable. But I also realize that this isn't the kind of relationship I want to be in. He's the kind of guy I want. That's why I'm here. I'm just confused.

I need to get out. fast. and soon. it's not going anywhere. I find it really difficult to voice my expectations and wants to him. I just don't want to or probably don't dare to. I find myself slowly not wanting to open up to him anymore, at least not in terms of my expectations and wants for the relationship. I feel insecure and uncomfortable telling him my expectations and wants. I expect him to know because I don't want to share and tell. I'm just taking and taking. And I can't seem to think on his behalf, maybe it's because I don't love him. I just don't think on his behalf anymore. I think at least I used to do that a bit more.

i just want all these to disappear. I'm not happy anymore. that explains the tears. if im not happy anymore, i should leave. there's no point staying here. I probably just need to leave to clear my head and realign my thoughts so I know what's important to me and how to run a relationship. I think I've forgotten how to run a relationship. Im just doing it blindly because I'm here. Maybe, actually, I don't love him. I love the idea of him. I really do love the idea of him. Because he has everything I want in a partner. and I like everything I see. Well, not everything, but most things. I don't think I actually love, love him as a person. Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe, just maybe.......

locked bag due

2011-01-13T08:14:00.002-06:00

I think my cut off date for turning this blog into a invite-only blog shall be Jan 31. Post of that, you will have to login to read.

2011-01-12T04:04:00.002-06:00

i loathe being in a relationship. or maybe just this relationship actually. i find no joy in the simple things because i've taken it for granted.

i'm here because he's extremely sweet and nice and caring towards me. he does like EVERYTHING for me and treats me like a total princess. i literally do not have to lift a finger. and the minute i do, i wail. that's how awesome he is as a boyfriend. maybe that's why im still here.

i think it has crossed my mind that maybe i only love him because he treats me this way. and when he stops treating me like a dainty lil princess, i will throw a fit, and then leave. without a doubt. until i can find someone else like him, i will probably not be involved in another oddly gross and weird 2-person relationship.

i have zero patience and tolerance for him. well, to begin with, i had none anyway, doesnt matter for who. but the real question is WHY AM I HERE? there must be something wrong if all i can keep asking myself everytime we fight is this. instead of focusing my efforts and fixing what's wrong.

sometimes i just DONT GET IT why is he like that. and vice versa. he just DOESNT GET IT as to why im wired the way i am. we're weird people. talk about compatibility? not even close. only the first few dates. we speak the same way, think the same manner (futuristic and plans) but in day-to-day life, which is definitely the MOST CRUCIAL part of a relationship, we FAIL.

i am beginning to dread this. i am beginning to not want to invite him to go out with friends, simply because i want my own time with them. and simply because i don't want him there. and simply because i can see him at other times, i don't need him showing up with me. unless for things i absolutely need to, like badminton. so that there's enough people to play. i'm selfish and such a bitch aint i?

i don't want to go on a holiday that's not within my control. i want to go on a holiday that we can plan together and do what we want. not waiting for other people's confirmation, decision, budget, timing. i suggested to go to bangkok. you suggested to your friends to go to bangkok and they said they want to come along. i dont think you even consulted my opinion if i was okay with them coming. im FINE with them coming. as long as they're flexible with our price, dates, etc. because i wanted the trip. if they're not agreeable to it, then we just do it on our own. and yes, the onus is on YOU because those are your friends, your colleagues and i do not have any contact whatsoever with them. how do you expect me to make decisions and book tickets and hotels then? so yes, the onus and responsibility is on YOU. if you don't want it, and you want to share it, then we go on a holiday on our own. or we go on a holiday that's decided by us, and if it suits anyone else, they can hop on board.

OR

we can just NOT go on a holiday and i'll plan my own trip to bangkok with the girls. just TELL me. you indicated interest in going to bangkok too, that's why i gave you priority.

but you kinda suck. and so do i. in this relationship at least.

locked bag

2011-01-12T03:45:00.000-06:00

this will be an invite-only blog for the time being at least. it could be for 2 days for all i know. if it's 2 days, so be it.

pls drop me an email at siewann.tai@gmail.com and I will add your email to the list of invited readers.

LIVE

2011-01-09T22:37:00.000-06:00

I think I'm actually quite an evil person deep down inside me. It's unthinkable that I can even imagine nasty things happening to ppl around me just for my own selfish gains.

for 2011, like they say, don't wish for a better year. wish for a better you. hope that you will be better, yourself as a person.

i don't like where i'm at now. in all aspects of life. I feel like it could be better and that I've been in better situations. this is definitely not ideal, and not the best. how do i get to the best? no idea.

i realize that i've changed a little over the past year, as much as I don't want to change. what happens when someone else's life integrates with yours? you get your schedules, friends, priorities all turned around gradually. i am in a comfortable spot. and i don't like comfort. i like being on the move, not knowing what's gonna happen next, waiting for something to splatter in my face. but that's how i like life and that's how i think life should be. permanency should be only for a year. once it's passed a year, it's a year too long.

i think this is a year too long. 2010 flashed right by me. but now in 2011, it's a year too long. i want a new environment, a new living place, a new favorite person, but same old friends from before. that's me being idealistic. for as long as i'm stuck here, i'll be in the same situation, same environment, with the same people.

Here's to a sucky end of 2010 and to a decent start of 2011. (by my experience at least)

Christmas eve's story

2010-12-24T00:27:00.001-06:00

Christmas eve.

For once I wish I was in winter cold weather with snowflakes falling all around me (ok,aybe just snow). And everything outside would be so quiet because it's all closed. And u just sit by the window watching snow fall. Snow angels perhaps? N drink hot chocolate with marshmallows after that? Sigh. Such is the life of Xmas abroad.

Or if you're always traveling during Xmas every year like me, meals for the day would always be fast food or room service.

Maybe I should have just taken half the day off. It's not like I got much accomplished. It's 230pm. And honestly,I've done things I wouldn't normally do.

Like have 2 fights with a massage in between at Thai odyssey.

It's quite an enigma actually.

Dec 31st is coming up. Deadline. Maybe he's right. He can't tale it anymore. And neither can I. In the first place, why am I here?

No freakin' idea.

World AIDS Day

2010-12-01T21:49:00.000-06:00

I'm one day late, but better late than never. Fly FM did a morning show to commemorate the day by inviting a member of the AIDS Council, Eric, who's HIV + and a doctor from Sg. Buloh hospital.

This ignorant listener called in to ask, "So how's your daily routine like?"

Eric's reply: I wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to the KTM station, still have to wait for the KTM that's always late...

At this point, I've already burst out laughing and the deejay was trying to salvage it by angling it from a medical standpoint.

wtf. malaysians are so ignorant.

Back in Milwaukee, I spent 2D/1N at a HIV/AIDS Program to understand what it's all about, meet people with HIV, go to HIV clinics, understand the medication used, the tests used, basically to get educated. At the end of the program, the guy who runs the free clinic did not allow us to take free condoms from the bowl. Why?

Because we're from Marquette (a catholic school). Otherwise, he will be banned from running this awareness program in our uni following that. also another stupid thing.

That aside, I'm feeling odd lately. I'm not the nicest, happiest person to hangout with. I find myself constantly very tired, miserable, not unhappy, but not very happy either. Ahhh! What's becoming of me?

I don't find myself appreciating the little things anymore. Or maybe I dont have the little things anymore. I'm actually just very tired. but i dont know why. He's cooking for the family tomorrow. And I really appreciate it cz i know it's a big thing. But for some reason i just dont show him the appreciation. I think partially it's also because I hate anything to do with cooking, groceries, etc. I don't find passion in it. I just want to go there with a checklist, buy stuff, and get out of there ASAP. I'm no longer shopping for my own apartment, my own dinners. It's different and difficult. I just don't find the thrill in it. Grocery and cooking is a chore to me.

I miss life abroad. i really do. I was going thru some email from a long time ago, from the very first time i had a gmail account to all the emails sent back and forth with the lawyer, the bosses, etc. and i got really upset that it was so unfair that i didnt get to go back. why should i be punished for something that's not my fault?

and in return, what do i get out of it? it's not like i have a much better life in malaysia. maybe i shld be more positive about the whole thing. but its been slightly over 1 yr, and i still see nothing i have here in malaysia is better than what i had in US. NOTHING. not even food can beat it. i guess the grass is always greener on the other side. i won't realize what i have here until i'm missing it. but it's unfair that my life get's turned around without even me having a say in it.

The only thing i had a say in was SIA. and i have to say i m glad i didnt go for it. no regrets whatsoever.

even the r'ship, i feel like lately, it's just not going the way it used to be. i want to be in delirium, in excitement, happiness, joy, always waiting to see him, no matter what we do, even if we do nothing. im not anymore. even if we don't see each other for few days, i don't feel it anymore. what's wrong? what happened to all the excitement, the joy, the anticipation, the plans, the acitivites...?
i feel like since the last 2-3 months, everything has just gone haywire and nothing is what it seems to be. or at least what it used to be. i want this, but i want this to feel the same way it used to.

i used to be known as "after-work life". i think im now known as "after-work work." I dont get the same messages anymore, i dont get the same emails anymore. i still do get calls occasionally. I used to have to call him everyday at work just to talk. now the only reason we talk at work (if long) its because we need to settle our arguments. i dont get him picking me up at midvalley for just no good reason.

i was told that excitement is not as fun as comfort. when the comfort level sinks in, you will feel that all this is worth so much more than the excitement. i was damn sure he was so damn wrong. but damn, he was right! when i felt comfortable enough with him, i actually felt that it was so much better than excitement. and i loved every minute of it, of course i wld never tell him and that prolly explained why i was a lil crazy at some point.

but now that comfort level has REALLY sinked in, i actually prefer excitement so much better. now there's just alot of comfort, and no excitement. i m not bored per se, but sometimes i am bored. it's too comfortable that it's boring and nothing new. i want something new. something that will drive me nuts and keep me working for it. right now, nothing is making me work for it. im just not that interested.

maybe a pit stop is what's required. i want to want this so much that ill do it. but i dont have that anymore. if that doesnt work i want to just casual this whole thing like how it always used to be and it has played to my benefits.

now it just SUCKS.

Holiday of Adventure

2010-11-12T02:53:00.000-06:00

I just returned from Lake Kenyir last weekend. The place is definitely quite a disappointment compared to what I knew of it 10 years ago. But the experience, I must say is definitely an interesting one, one that's out of my comfort zone. Of course, 10 years ago, I stayed at a 5 star resort, complete with jet skiing experience, etc.But I rmb Lake Kenyir to be a very beautiful, peaceful place. Not at all like what I saw last weekend. I stayed at a boathouse for 10 of us, there were remainders of logging activities, floods, murky water, only at certain parts, there was clean water...(where we delightfully sat at the edge of the boat and dipped our legs into the water as the boat was moving)

The funnest part definitely has to be the waterfalls. Tambat Waterfall (I think!) has beautiful huge rocks and water that you can actually fish in! Standing by the rocks facing the direction of the waterfall is amazing! Reminds me of Niagara Falls, where you can feel the lil water droplets against your face! We fished...and fished and fished...I think the boy has a new found hobby now....he fished the first fish! and I fished the BIGGEST fish! well, biggest and 2nd biggest :) :) 2nd biggest fish was a cat fish....and the BIGGEST fish I caught was well, a 5'10" !

Overall, I did enjoy the trip, something definitely quite different, with a bunch of people I hardly knew...who half the time spoke a language I wasnt fluent in. But it all turned out well.

I have one complain though:

There was NO CLEAN WATER!
I cannot cannot cannot cannottttttt stand ittttt!!! Especially not when I'm in the most uncomfortable place, and time of the month! Funny things happened. Good to know how people generally are...it's just hilarious...

I started the whole princess culture. I love princess culture. The boyfriend does everything for the girl, from taking rice during dinner time to giving foot and back massages after dinner to taking a cup of water during lunch time...to carry the fishing rods and bags during the mini trekking trip..

Other boys blame me for starting the culture. and Other boys blamed him for spoiling the market :)

KT was not the funnest. It was raining the entire day. We spent the day there while waiting for our flight at night. I had quite the most rip-off hair wash ever. For RM14 in KT, i was shortchanged for a hair wash, and so were the 3 other girls. She added oil to my hair, to which she briefly asked and charged me RM3 for that 2 drops of miserable oil. But I had incredible mini-buns at the Chinese shop which was so nice to let us store our bags there and charge our iphones there.

We were all exhausted by the time we got home at 12.30am. It was quite the trip. I enjoyed it. Not thoroughly, but I definitely enjoyed it. That being said, if you ask me to do it again, I'm not sure I would. Maybe at a more interesting place, I would consider??

I watched Unstoppable the next day! it's a good movie! Of course, with denzel washington in it, how can any movie go wrong?? it's the only reason why I agreed to watch. it definitely kept me at the edge of my seat, and the ending was realistic enough for you to think that it's not SO hollywood after all. These people do have brains.

i miss united states. i wanna go home.

The last 4 days have been a hectic rush between extra work, gym and just, resting. I've taken on something new, hopefully it will broaden my perspectives in the new media, now that i'm no longer in that circle in US, good to know I can still keep in touch with it a little and not lose the little bit of information I know about that...I've been lucky to have some interested clients...Unfortunately, I dont know if I can have those numbers every week I hand in a report! I have to be more diligent, and work so much harder to make this work! I pray they'll come back to me :)

In the mean time, the bosses are definitely pleased with the first week of results, I hope the good run will continue!

Weekend's here. time to work more. rest more. attend a wedding. be a chauffeur. get a massage. my KPIs for the weekend.

speaking of KPIs, I was sent for KPI training yesterday. Must say it didnt go very well. Didnt learn much there. Other than Tesco has fantastic management approaches to their business Globally. At the end of the day, I'm still unable to sit down and be clear about how to write KPIs.

well well, work's work. weekend's here. let's go out and play!

getting married makes you weird.

2010-10-26T03:05:00.000-05:00

I'm so drained. sleep deprived. and so exhausted. i don't wanna do this anymore. it's becoming more effort consuming than it is enjoying and natural. and who said compatible people have it easy? BALLS!

people who are completely opposites have it muchhhhhh easier. of course, they also have it a lot more boring. but is the excitement worth all the hassle? looking back on it, i don't think so. it seems trivial to how im feeling at the moment.

BAH.

i want to kill the world today.

small talk: has there really been that alot of car crashes recently or is the media just hangat hangat tahi ayam in light of the recent bus crash?

2010-10-18T11:17:00.000-05:00

i wonder how much love can sustain the r'ship and fights at the same time...

My take: not enough. in fact, never enough.

No point getting all heated up right? It's after all just an opinion, just a point of view. If you want to be right so badly, then take it. but then, that would mean I'm reverting back to old ways, leaving it be because it's just too much work to correct you. My whole point of starting this new relationship is because I believe in my opinions, my thoughts and I want to send the correct message across. If the wrong message gets transmitted, I'll correct it.

I say, screw it. how much can it be worth anyway? take it take it. i don't want it. I just wanna be carefree and happy. maybe i'm meant to not be in a long term r'ship ...hahaha!

I think I liked it alot when I was in the process of finding someone I'd like to go out with. But when i've found that person, i prolly miss the thrill, the excitement of the unknown, and then, i get bored and complacent.

Comfort doesnt thrill me, doesnt excite me, doesnt get me going. But when it's there, it feels good. but without it, i will still chooose thrill and fun over anything else. because I'm like that.

Maybe I'm not grateful enough. Yes, I think so. or maybe he's just complaining too much. after all, geechang didnt do that. i mean he complained, but about reasonable stuff, and i totally understand that. this guy is complaining about the smallest, littlest thing that geechang could tolerate. so why can't he? ishhhhh.........

I guess compatibility comes with a price. For all that greatness and senstivity he has, and all that's good that he has, he has equally bad shortcomings that I absolutely cannot stand.

oh gawd. relationships kill people. i swear to god. i think i should never get into one. it's too complicated. i like my life simple. and i like things simple.

It's been a monthhhhh!

2010-10-15T04:56:00.000-05:00

ahhhhhhhhhhh!! I went to Singapore. I should upload those pictures on facebook! :) i love singapore. new dream new dream. still a dream. im so glad i didnt choose SIA. I think i woulda been wallowing in self pity and indulging in weird stuff had i been there.

I need to sleep more. i want to be a happy person. Looking forward to my next holiday - Lake Kenyir!!

I've been having holidays and mini-trips since June! I love it. Thank you........
Maybe we'll go somewhere with the cheap fare. next year. hmm...let's go bangkok! Australia is too expensive. mmm.......

Happy Happy Happy. think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts. i love badminton. i wanna lose weight and lose tummy and lose everything except my boobies because i have none to lose!

hug kiss smooch.

2010-09-18T04:38:00.001-05:00

It's been exactly a year since I lost the job I think. On my sisters bday. 1 year ago, that day, was happy. My sister was having her frens over for a bday celebration cum farewell as she leaves for Uk again. N I was happy bcz I was going clubbing for what was supposed to be my last clubbing session in Malaysia for awhile. All dressed n ready to go, Jason came to pick me up. Not before he stopped by to sing the bday song n hv a piece of cake at my place. Right after the blowing candles ceremony was over, I was all ready to leave n checked my phone out of habit. There was email.

From Mike. Burton.

They are not hiring me back. They hv to cancel my job due to unforeseen circumstances. My limbs went cold. I felt nothing but stinging tears on my eyes. I waited 10 fucking months. For this????

I cldnt say anything. I cld only hold back my tears n show daddy my phone. Nobody knew why. No one knew until the night I was supposed to leave for UK the next day which didn't even happen.

I just clubbed like usual. I took a coupla puffs of cigarettes. From steven. Felt so good. Smoking felt so fucking good! I jst cldnt do it. I cldnt believe wat I read.

Well, 1 year later, I have a new job. I have a new boyfriend. Ppl adapt. But they never forget.

To those who made it easy for me while I was out there...thank you.

what happened to life?

2010-09-05T23:49:00.000-05:00

I snipped my hair short again. now it's even shorter. the next time around, im gonna go boy cut. or some undercut style. i love antico. they're good. i never have to worry how my hair turns out everytime jack cuts my hair :)

i cut my hair pretty short. i played badminton. met the ex-girlfriend. had drinks with some friends. went to his office. took gary's number. went to starbucks. went to zouk. met a coupla ppl. hmm. pretty ordinary weekend.

I demand to know where my fun-filled, power-packed weekends went to????
seems like they've just disappeared into thin air. maybe it's the whole working thing so i just end up clubbing and chilling on weekends. i think i need to stop going to zouk. maybe once a month is enough. anything more is financially draining.

i crave the thrills. the excitement. the unknowing. the new. the happening. the conversation. the talks. the walks. the coffee. maybe it's not right. or maybe im just not putting in enough effort.

I think i need new colors! i feel like life is getting pretty mundane and repetitive. maybe this is how it's meant to be. cz i've never stayed in one job / place long enough, so i've never experienced this before. it's about right. it's 9 months now since i started this job .and it's always right about 9 months when i take off for my summer break, my internship, my new semester, new part time job. something's always different. its like im waiting for something to happen but it's nothing for now. maybe i need to learn to get used to this because this is how stable lifestyle is like.

im just craving. for i dont know what.

help pls..??...

August Principle.

2010-08-30T02:44:00.000-05:00

This is 1 full month of work after i came back from 1 full month of holiday. man, i think i need another holiday to compensate for that :p

So let's see...in the whirlwind of things, ive been busy with organizing a buka puasa event, going to Singapore for another mini-holiday with the girls (ohh..stories stories..), attended the MACC stand up comedy
(fanta-bulous)...and in between all that, went to Sitiawan for an Indian wedding (something quite different!), kept to my word about after-Europe gym sessions..(which reminds me...), along side managed to catch a couple of movies ie. Inception (i believe that my brain should not be tortured in such a menacing manner, nevertheless, interesting mind-boggling movie), the Thai Movie about love....The Expendables, Ocean's 11 halfway before i got too sleepy...and I managed to sneak in one more thing: Zouk. haha.

I think im a high achiever.

At spending $$ at least :)

Oh yea....and I thought I was gonna be at my best record this month by not shopping or buying anything at all ...after the long shopping in Europe..i was so good i didnt even get myself anything in Singapore...and this whole thing lasted all the way and its 30th august now...of cz I just had to break it on..

29th August 2010.

Well, technically, i didnt BUY it ...cz he bought it for me.
but still...the point is it was for ME! and thts really against my month of august principle. It's not expensive, but thts not the point. it's still against my August Principle.

but i think i can forgive myself this once. just this once.

and the 398 other times it has happened.

i think i need to do something about my pictures. and log them in somewhere. i cant just let it die off like that. facebook.

I'm back from the Eurotrip

2010-07-29T20:34:00.000-05:00

and so much has changed!

I left for 2.5 weeks, i come back and I see:

a new road outside my place that would not require me to make long u-turns in future.

The access road from outside my place crossing to Ara Damansara has opened and some ppl have actually started to use it (and I hate it!)

the next door office had their glass door replaced with a fire exit door!! with loads of construction going on. i thought they went bankrupt in the 2.5 weeks i was gone!
turns out they're having renovation. wtf lol

drama-rama in the office (it's actually funny...to me at least..)

my manager's pregnant tummy got sooo huge!

but the one thing has stayed the same:
the boyfriend missed me soooo much.
it was just awkward when i met him. it's one of those i-havent-seen-u-for-so-long kinda feeling.
things were SO awkward.

We are moving offices - finally to somewhere muchhh nicer and classier..still within the MidValley area though (this is the part where im unsure if i shld put a smiley emoticon or a frowning one)

Monday and Friday traffic back from work is so crazy that on Monday i actually started crying in the car on LDP. of cz it had alot to do with hormones and mood, and coupled with the fact that i could have chosen a different route home but i was so silly to choose LDP. i just cried at the kelana jaya u-turn cz the traffic wasnt moving. Then i called the bf in hopes of feeling better...and i really did...and then guess what happens after i hang up?

I un-mute my radio and i hear:

baby baby baby ohhhh....my baby baby baby ohhhhh (just RIGHT at this line!)

*facepalm*

Madrid Day 2

2010-07-10T11:15:00.001-05:00

I was able to wake up at a sanely time. 915am. but it was warm. Europeans are so concerned with the hole Kyoto Protocol thing that they don´t leave their AC on the entire night. They turn it on for awhile before they sleep and then turn it off. I got up at 915am because it was too warm for me.

Headed on to El Escorial. A monastery located half hour away frm Madrid at San Lorenzo de El Escorial. It´s magnificent. and the Basilica in there is amazing. I think I prolly liked today the best. I didnt walk much yet my back and knees were aching. i feel really old. That took like half the day. came home at 4 after lunch there. Definitely had to rest cz my back was aching and still is. Was watching some American thriller movie on TV. Here, they dub evertyhing in Spanish but his dad switched it back t English for me. His mum was soooo nice. She did all my laundry an even ironed them. I told her I´d do it but she insisted that she did it. and i didnt even know she would iron my clothes.

Later this evening, which is like in half hour, carlos will be going to a wedding in which I will be going to Sol for a little shopping, photograph of the royal pallacio that i missed and maybe, trying to find a place where i can buy stamps and drop my postcard off. and then prolly head on home. im just not fit for clubbing. i actually feel weak. man i dont even feel like this in malaysia.

i think im actually glad i chose to stick with wasco. Being away from malaysia and the boy is difficult. More so the boy. Being away in a non English speaking country is difficult. but put me in UK, Australia, US i think i´ll do perfectly fine. well, maybe not UK, just London. Anywhere else in UK ill bawl my eyes out cz it´s so damn boring!

Reporting from Madrid.

Madrid Day 1

2010-07-08T16:35:00.000-05:00

Hola from Madrid, Spain! As we were being served breakfast before landing, the pilot made an announcement that Spain won the match and qualified themselves into Finals with 1-0 against Germany! and the audience broke into an applause! I was honestly happy for them too. (and secretly for myself.)

minutes later...........

We landed. and the audience broke into an applause.
AGAIN.
wtf??

I landed at 815am Spanish time (215pm local time). and honestly, i thought Italy was bad for non English speaking tourists. oh you wait till you get to Madrid. Doesnt help that I had to transfer trains to a different line that was NOT shown on the subway map. From Aeropuerto - Nuevos Ministerias. And transfer to Cercanias line headed for Majadahonda. And Carlos´ sister is supposed to pick me up. I ended up reaching the station around 10am. i felt so bad, i bet the sister was waiting for me for quite awhile.

Came to his duplex home which is situated in quite a posh area. i see alot of merc, beemers, coupla jaguars, minis roaming around. very nice home. felt bad that they moved his younger sister to his grandparents´ home so that I could have her room. Apparently, carlos didnt know. neither did i. took a refreshing shower, rested, connected with the world (internet)...and decided to ask teresa on how toget to the city.

First place I headed for, Puerta del Sol (city center). Shopping street of Preciados and 1st shop I entered H&M. ahhhh heaven! i miss it so much. cheap and good stuff. next shop: pimkie. nth to buy. following shop: Mango. it was a small mango but nonetheless still good. Zara: amazingly MESSY. i just lost my mood to shop then. besides, my legs and back were alr aching. weakling.

took a break at arysol cafe. having coffee. It´s 33% more expensive when you choose al fresco style (sitting outdoors). I paid €3 for my coffee which was good but ridiculous. it then rained. i moved in and ordered another cuppa which cost me €2,10. was waiting for carlos to meet me at the cafe. my legs were all tired from walking and i wanted hot water for my throat and the waiter didnt get me. i have since learned a new word. caliente = HOT. caliente agua.

when i met carlos, i just couldnt wait to get out of the cafe, then proceeded to walk towards the royal pallacio, passed by Plaza Mayor..visited Cathedral Almudena but it was already closed..Royal Pallacio is HUGE. and it has its own garden t complement it. Took a really long walk through the alleys and all that. Next stop was Plaza de Espana. Whereby we made a mini detour to take a look at Temple de Debod. which is basically Egyptian pieces of rock brought over from Egypt and placed there. because back then, the dictator of Spain(forgot who, Franco?) was very close with Egypt. so now they´re stuck with this weird thing. Spain & Egypt. what a weird combo. but the good thing about this is it´s located on a slightly higher level, so you can see the Royal Palace and some parts of Madrid with it.

After that, heade on home to wash up have dinner. his mum made pasta which was absolutely delicious!!!!!!! and they have beer at home. their own dispenser sumore. lol. then proceeded to take a shower and fix the wifi on my phone.

im planning to buy my train ticket to barcelona, visit the prado museum, the retiro park. and fri nite back to Sol to see the night lights, musicians, bars, etc.

I know I definitely ill miss the bullfight. apparently young ppl don´t go there. it´s a very old and traditional thing. apparently, quite boring too. it´s a pity that it´s world cup and not the football season here. otherwise i could watch a game at the bernabeu stadium. either way, planning to go there to watch world cup finals. so hopefully, i get to tour the stadium a lil. saturday i may go to Toledo, depending on time. and sunday, to bernabeu and el rastro market in the morning or afternoon. i also definitely must have tapas before i leave for barcelona. i think im done shopping here. maybe send a postcard..hmm. ...

Pre-departure

2010-07-06T04:14:00.000-05:00

I have this little thing that I do everytime i go on a trip. Be it, the States or anywhere in Europe. But more so Europe since I've been traveling around that region a little more frequently since I left the states. and also because I don't speak the language, therefore I have to do my research before i lay my feet on foreign land. I do this list with:

1. top 10 places to visit
2. top 10 places to eat
3. top 10 places to shop

And it never fails to delight me every city that I visit. And this is exactly what I'm doing for my madrid/barcelona/london/edinburgh/lake district/kenilworth trip.

I mean..not london. there's nothing. I know exactly what i wanna do in London and how to get around to those places. Well, i may be boring but yes, i like those few same places like canary wharf, camden..and west end. hmm, i think ill catch a show while im in town..i miss watching broadway. sigh. i actually dislike england very much because of their inefficient transportation system. like you have to take 2 freakin' buses or 2 different types of transportation to get to your final destination from the airport. All the airport express brings you to Victoria Station, which from there, you have to take either the tube or the bus to get to where you need to go. And London tube stations aren't exactly the friendliest for tourists with roller luggages.

and to take buses from victoria...well, buses in general are a hassle, you really have to know where you're going..but buses in england worst because of their sexy british accents. i get so "into" their accents that I completely forget what they're telling me. also because i can hardly understand what they say due to their accents.

Im NOT all packed to go. I still have to do some of my packing tonight.

sigh. SIA - wasco - SIA - wasco - SIA - wasco??

which shall it be? i think i already have the answer in my heart. just that im unwilling to part with it. and give an affirmative. i know there's no wrong choice. i will make the best out of whatever i've selected. but still...there's alwis the lil magnet inside that draws u to think otherwise. there's a lil bit of both that i want.

how i wish i had been more focused when i went for the interview in singapore. i would have accepted it in the blink of an eye. and done with training and started flying by now. but then i wouldnt know how much i wouldve been appreciated now that ive started a corporate career here. but i wld have the travel experiences of world.

decisions....decision.....

June

2010-06-16T04:39:00.000-05:00

June reminds me of a good summer, where the air is not so warm yet and traces of spring are still felt hovering above you.

Took a trip to Gem Island and just maybe..if I remember, pictures will be up...it will. Gem Island was fun, but didnt really feel like a holiday. I was exhausted from a work trip in Kuantan which continued on to Gem Island.
When with his friends, which were a cool bunch. I do like some of them quite a bit. Good ppl.

Chalets on stilts overlooking the sea. ahhh...gorgeous. water, not so much. corals around us were dead and we had to swim further to get livelier, prettier corals. but at some point, sea lice were just an annoyance. they bit u every living ass second. it's like someone poking you with a pin constantly at random locations you cannot predict.

Gem Island was a fun time....good time to just do nothing with no hectic schedule. food was decently good. almost missed the ferry back to land and we had the bunch of 10 ppl waiting for us. embarrassing. i need to fix that.

Since then, I had another work trip to Penang for our AGM which was ridiculous and tiring. i just hated that trip. and what else happened??

WORLD CUP of course!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ivory Coast - Portugal was an interesting match to watch. The only thing that's missing from this year's world cup and probably last year's world cup is the betting. i rmb clearly the world cup in high school, betting was so fun. with the boys. and of cz, the only other gal. rubini. and maybe hooi yin. it was ken yeow, emmanuel, vijendran. no clue where these ppl are now other than emmanuel. i love those.

the writing is simple and boring. not in the mood to put my words into a line of thought. just rambling of the top of my head. i've been hooked onto Words Free lately. it's amazing. if you're on iphone, download that app and we can have a scrabble match. add me at siewann13.

I caught up with the girls. Ichen and Jannah. My Victoria Secret panties is somewhere in Johor with Sara's boyfriend (how weird!) We forgot to take pictures. how silly! we had a good time talking about the past. and the future and where do we go from here. Jannah seems to be the only one contented being in Malaysia. I-Chen and I..somehow, have a longing of leaving the country for greener pastures. Well, she has nothing to worry. she practically has her citizenship at HK and has a plan. I have ZERO plans. like even if given the chance to return now, god knows what i would do. then again, im only 24 (not even!), i can still go wild and party till the sun comes down.

mummy and daddy are in turkey. daddy needs to fix my NYC posters in my room when he gets back. im flying of to madrid in 3 weeks. im looking for someone to be with me in barcelona. any takers? well, otherwise, it wld be a good 3 days alone in barcelona to chill with myself and to do my own things. after all, that is was SIA is all about, isn't it? i'm not sure if i shld push them and send them an email about it. it's like asking for trouble if i do.

I like my job here. very much. but at times, i feel like, WHERE'S THE MONEY?? and where's the PERKS? and where's the LIFESTYLE? and of cz, where's the FREEDOM?

As discussed with the girls, i think im of the luckiest lot. one complains of not having her own space cz she shares closet and room. Both are not able to paint the town red and come home half drunk and stumble into bed at 4am. i can do all of that but i still feel lacking. why? hmm. grass is always greener on the other side. i do have all the freedom i want in the world and things to. but i just don't want to live my life here. i wanna be young and wild and carefree in a different country. i wanna raise kids here. or austria.

for now, i can look forward to my europe trip. i do need to get my currencies changed.

i miss the world. i miss having malaysian food craving. i miss potbelly's so much. without craving though. :)

Life's okay for now i guess. stable job is good. nice. i shld have asked for more though had i known they were so desperate. love is stable. okay. normal. nothing headed straight for pluto. nothing keeping me bouncy either.

i miss you.

The Weekend

2010-05-30T11:31:00.000-05:00

Every end of a weekend, I try to think of what significant thing I did and I just can't come up with any. Not any different this week either! I spent the bulk of my Wesak Friday hibernating. I got up at 315pm. like seriously. I was in a horrible mood. Didnt wanna go out. Didnt wanna see anyone. So I made the boyfriend come over. I just read my newspaper away while he guitared at my patio area.

I was being a complete bitch to him and he took it in stride. ladies, this is the kinda man you need to look for. anyway, that aside, 730pm, I had a family dinner. My paternal gramma turned 76! I thought she was 67 or something along those lines. Dinner was at Unique Seafood Restaurant at Section 13. Food was delicious but wayyyyy too pricey for it to be worth it.

Badminton was set for 10pm..and I couldnt make it. was only there at 11, thanks to idiots at the restaurant who messed up our order and therefore delayed the dinner. The boy went to my house to collect my stuff, then came to pick me up...(of which there was a whole misunderstanding about), and then went on for badminton. sweet of him.

Saturday was also a wake-up-late day. Got up at 1pm. Headed over to 1U to get a coupla items. Went home for dinner. Home cooked meal was delicious. the boy was invited. Was invited to zouk but just too tired to go..ended up just having a serious career conversation with him....

Sunday was great too! woke up to home cooked bacon n eggs. then on to tropicana city for a lil kitschen time...badass coffee...and serious stuff.....which was actually, i think, quite good for the both of us. After all, we do spend a significant amount of time together, it would make sense to do the budget together just so we both stay on the same page. and then, it was badminton again! yay!! im addicted to it, i think. maybe only bcz i dont get enough exercise, I feel like it's the only thing that allows me to keep pigging out. Picadilly for late dinner with all his boys. he's so different around me and when he's with his friends. I sometimes wonder which is the real him, although i know both are true...I love him even when he's different with both though.....

sigh, i do miss girlies. but we do a whole diff bunch of things together..and we talk about diff stuff too..mo0re like catch up kinda thing..but back then, i guess as gals, we kinda just studied together, cooked, watch movies, watch dramas, shopped.....i duno wat to do with girlies here other than catch up over dessert, coffee, yumcha....

anyway, it's gonna be a long week ahead..i have loads to do tmr..prolly will have to stay late if im not efficient enough...looking forward to the island trip!

pain

2010-05-11T11:39:00.000-05:00

why do they all tell you the same thing? and that's not even the problem. the problem is why do we believe the same thing over and over again?

If I were there, I would make it such that you would never have to feel that kind of pain. Because I don't want to see tears in your eyes.

It hurts. I can't look at you in the eye. Because I feel cheated. I feel like I can't trust you anymore. I feel like you're a different person. I can't accept the deeds you're giving me. Because it feels fake. And it's not you.

I feel like I just can't trust you anymore.

All girls here are well dressed.

2010-05-07T10:26:00.001-05:00

Todays the first time in 5 yrs that I can walk in KLIA not being in a sad n sombre mood. I feel so liberated and free. (I duno wats with me n the word liberated, but yeah, liberated)

I feel like for once,after a bajillion yrs I can actually feel normal walking into an airport without the fear of not knowing when I'm returning. It feels good to know I am coming back to this place. Very soon.

Writing from Singapore. Tmr will be a longgggggg day. Sigh. Last match or EPL. Can Chelsea screw up pls? N let MU be at their best? Thank u.

This is also the first time I'm staying in a hotel room all alone by myself. I'm actually a lil scared n freaked out. But it's good training for what I'm about to choose, I guess. Though I'm seriously re-considering my decision.

Nights.

new skin

2010-05-06T02:42:00.001-05:00

I know what I forgot to blog about in my last post.

March 31st was the official day that I left New York City for London. It was Tze's last day too. We had a farewell dinner on the 30th night and I bade 15 Cliff a teary farewell that morning after making the bed and cleaning up the place. Back then, i thought it was silly of me to take pictures in the apartment cz after all, i am coming back, most likely. well, thank god for womanly instincts! So March 31, 2010 would have marked the exact 1 year date that I left New York City.

The reason I am writing today is that it's May 6th, 2010. It has been exactly 1 year that I have returned to Malaysia.
Of course, little did I know that by stepping foot home, it will also be my last annual trip home. I came home filled with excitement, bursting with joy, feminine cravings for the local delights (to a certain level for fear of tummy upsets, which eventually did occur), gleaming eyes to my family and friends. Only to discover so much more heartaches and disappointments along the way.

I honestly can't say the past 1 year has been the best or the most productive. To a certain extent, it may be considerably good. i have a stable job that i like. and i do have an affinity for someone.

But my main reason here today is to commemorate my 1 year of being back in Malaysia and hopefully my next 1 year in Malaysia will bring me more joys than sorrows. And because of that, I would like to change the layout of my blog - have been wanting to for awhile, but never really had the time to. I would like to request for your humble opinions on these 2 that I've shortlisted.

Layout 1

Layout 2

If there are no takes on this, I prolly will go with whatever the Queen feels like on that day.

My whole idea was to move away from the black/dark surroundings and get some white / light-ish kinda look. But then I got carried away thinking about New York and I wanted a piece of it on my page. And the dark ones are the only nice ones. The light ones all consists of girly things like mirrors, ribbons, pinky lil shit, button, diary books, and the like...which i may be leaning towards sometimes. Keyword: SOMETIMES. but most times, i would like to avoid that so people will think im cool. and that im not all girly and bimbo.

Meanwhile, I'll scout around for light-ish skins...probably without new york in them.

On a sombre note, I dont think I have told anyone nor does anyone knows this.
I think of New York on a daily basis. without fail.
When something in Malaysia fails me, I would compare and say "oh, if i was in new york, it wont / will be ...."
And it is to a point where I sometimes do cry. I miss tht place so much.
I think that city gave me inspiration and the liberty / alternate reality to be what i want to be. When I am there, i feel liberated and that I can achieve anything as long as I work at it. And I have proven myself time and time again that it works.
I think I am allowed to be angry at God because I actually have faith in Him in the first place.
I dont think I will ever get over the sourness of this. Even if I eventually get to go back to work, it'll never be the same again.

I am only 23 once.
And it sure as hell wasnt spent in New York City.

1.5 months

2010-04-18T05:31:00.000-05:00

Wow...much has happened since then....Maybe I should do an event list.

March 17th, my company's rebranding dinner in which i was the emcee (really fairly easy job, just speak a few lines and look hot!)

ok fine, so this picture isnt that great! i'll try to upload better pictures when i realize i have nothing better to do with my time...

What else happened? I received flowers...very pretty ..a dozen red roses ...thank you :) it made me smile and realize that I still have people sending flowers to me..haha! i don't get that very often...I Have pictures...but that will come later.haha!

im considering joining the gym at The Boulevard..for maybe a month..The only thing is that they dont have steam bath/sauna/jacuzzi and classes..but they have a swimming pool though :) And I get to skip bad traffic after work...plus, i would have a good reason to maybe not spend too much time with him...it might be getting bad from now on...and of course, most importantly, I get to be fit and a bit more toned just like before ....Sorry, i love at least even a lil bit of abs..gives me a certain pride in myself and allows me to be a glutton when i see kayu ss2's maggi goreng..

I can't believe i havent been really living life....cz i'm trying to think of the events that happened and pictures I can post up...really..nothing..ive not taken a vacation in awhile...CNY i didnt take any pictures..neither did i for ceng beng..., no going on trips...no random stupid cheong k pictures anymore...i'm a boring person..whcih explains why I need to leave...

and leave I will............in a bit.

I need to talk to the right people. or maybe I'm just talking to ppl I wanna talk to cz I only wanna hear things I wanna hear. But we shld all live in the moment. One of the directors in my company recently "retired"....I say "retired" because he's not really gonna retire..but neither is he moving on to another company..he's gonna take some time to reflect on what he has done in the last 30 years and then he will decide what's his next move...He thought this wld be his last company until he really retires..i guess he still has things he wants to achieve that he hasnt...and he said that in life, there are some things we will never get to do...so if u wanna do it, u shld just do it and not wait..which is why he's taking this step to leave the company so he can do and achieve whatever he wants to...

and that got me thinking a lil......

it's true..i don't wanna be 55 retiring and saying that i've been sucked into the corporate world for the last 30 yrs..and gave my life, sweat, blood and time to it..and corporate world is nothing but a coined term...an institution if you will...and yes i know, it contributes to your personal development, it turns u into who you are, how u run a business, how u think and how u strategize....but I wanna have 3 years that I've traveled the world, met weird ppl...dealt with bitchy politics and still survived with great frens! and i wanna have 3 years that I leave malaysia to go abroad bcz my husband is posted to work abroad. and i can do volunteer work or part time work and even get a proper corporate job...and I want 1 year that i can improve myself..but taking up Masters perhaps..and I want 1 year that I take off because I have a baby...and then, only i want a corporate life..not in order of cz..interspersed...but it has to be a spectrum of colors...

with me, everything has to be a spectrum of colors..I can't live in a dwi-colored box. i will die. and decay. because colors bring life. and of cz i'm more of a live in the moment person....thats why I would do it...screw corporations..but never the r'ships and friendships built there..they may be more suited as friends than bosses...

i now, maybe, can finally learn to love my life. because I am responsible for its decisions and cosequences. Everything prior to this, in the last 6 months, I had no say over. It was lack of a better choice. It was 2nd choice. It was default choice. It is still a choice. just not mine.

i can love my life. just like before. perhaps.

Of love....

2010-03-03T11:36:00.001-06:00

Love is one of its own.

My Tolerance for ppl who are inconsistent is non existent. Lack of professionalism, taking things personally n emotionally....makes me loses my respect for u as authoritative figure. You're still good. Just not professionalism and work ethic sense.

Love is but a kind. Of helium filled balloons with messages and jars filled with love.

135am means I need to go to bed.

2010

2010-02-24T23:00:00.000-06:00

Maybe the Chinese are right after all. I believe in it somewhat a lil.

I think 2010 could possibly be worst than 2009. Just when I thought 2009 was so bad it can't get any worst, then I meet 2010. GREAT!

Just let me complain.....

The year didnt start out to great health wise.

ZOMG. I just lost all my writing. i hate my life. officially.

in short, i had to spend alot of money this year on health. i had flu-ish, infections, cold sores...and now im feeling fatigue, tiredness, and lack of sleep. ( i need to improve on this!) and i paid for medical bills and creams and medication...ARGH!

and then, I thought the worst was over until i had a minor accident and have to pay for them to fix it, even then, it wont be back to the original condition.. and then, last night i broke my sunnies cz.....pls dont laugh. i sat on it! i dropped my car off at my friend's place cz he was nice enough to help me bring it to the workshop to get it fixed, and then he drove me home and i sat in the passenger seat..and i had my sunnies there..reason being, i left midvalley when it was alr dark i didnt see that i had sunnies there..kinda forgot about it....ARGH. now i wont be able to get them back. it's my absolute favorite in YEARS. bcbgmaxazria. i wld never be willing to fork out that kinda money to get them over here. sigh.

and then of cz his bday is coming. i was THIS close to getting it already and then a few ppl's opinion kinda made me take one step back. they were all against it cz we just started dating and im gonna spend that kinda money on him? hmm..which does make sense in some way la....but i dont know what else to get him then...the only thing i know for sure he wants is the Bulgari perfume ..which even then, im not sure which one..i have to go test it out....and hopefully i dont get it wrong...a friend suggested a short vacation but that's kinda too much effort and planning in such a short time for the slightly long weekend...argh..of cz, he has to up the standards by getting me such an expensive belated birthday gift in the first place!

plus yesterday he was PMS-y to me so i dont feel like getting him anything anymore.he thinks that im not ready and im just forcing myself..i duno..maybe i am..but ill learn to adapt rite?.though he did tell me and even his colleague asked him if he expected anything back in return...and knowing him, i think he was sincere in expecting nothing but STILL...i would like to get him sth and still spend a decent amount of money on him...fren suggested baking muffin / cake but im like WTF? ive not BAKED in ages. i wld suck at it! plus my house's oven is too hi-tech for me. Can't the have the damn american ovens with 2 knobs? Time and temperature. This new damn thing has so many buttons i think sometimes the oven will just fly thru the roof if I press the wrong button!

So yeah, that's that..im getting him a card for sure..but perfume maybe? i dont know! i really just wanna ask him what he wants....but..but...that spoils the element of surprise...and he specifically told me not to buy him anything bcz i just started working and i earn significantly less than him and therefore, i can't afford to spend that kinda money...actually, it's not like he can too..but whatever....he's just being egoistic...maybe ill just buy him an expensive dinner? but that's nothing really.....hmm....he alr gotten all his futsal, running and working shoes...i can't decide!!!!

OMG IM SUCH A WOMAN!

Issues

2010-01-13T03:06:00.000-06:00

Just a quick thought: I think it's stupidly racist and religionist (is that even a word??) that our government would spend 15 million on aid for women who are getting divorced. not just women, but MUSLIM women, and MUSLIM women only. It's completely against the whole 1Malaysia concept. So why should divorced Muslim women get aid and not divorced Chinese and Indian women? Are they not divorced women that have gone through the same trauma and financial difficulties? I totally commend the government on allocating RM15 million for this cause. but they have to do it for all women, regardless of race and religion. So yeah, what about 1Malaysia again? 1Melayu is more like it. I was completely outraged when I saw the headlines yesterday at 730pm after coming home from a tiring day at work. and i still have the energy to be disgusted. amazing what our country can do to me :)

Ooh I met Najib's brother at work today. Apparently, he's one of the directors and he is MADLY into shopping. On a business trip to Houston, he shops like nobody's business and sets a fixed time and all for everyone to meet back so that he can split off on his own and do his shopping. lol

It's been a month since I went to Singapore for Zoukout and for the SIA interview. I am coping well at my new job so far. People here seems easy to work with, and that's all I care about, really. People don't have to be particularly nice but just make sure they're good at what they do and know what they're doing.

In love is a strong, big thing. I'm not even sure im in what. I know for sure im in something. just not sure what. i thought about commitment today. doesnt seem as scary anymore. but it doesnt seem as fun and appealing as being single. and it sure does seem like alot of work and emotional attachment - exactly what im avoiding.

Happy 2010! I know I'm late in doing a reflection but nonetheless, necessary. In 2009, I ushered in the New Year sick, but so so happy, contented, and uncertain. But i loved the uncertainty of which country and continent i was gonna be at, and for how long. No one knew. First quarter was perfect. cldnt ask for more. Beginning of 2nd quarter was AMAZING. and final quarter was life-changing. mind-blowing. a touch of gold dust. a sprinkle of magic. a pinch of salt. Everything else in between doesnt matter anymore. At that point in time, it mattered so much that looking back now, it's just dust bits and pieces.

I thought 2008 was an interesting, great, dreamy, challenging year. I was living my dream.
Oooh, that was before I met 2009. I was still living my dream. Also lived another dream. But also to watch 2 more dreams die. I guess 2 for 2. God is fair. I thought 2009 was going to be the BEST year I could ever have and ask for. Can't speak too soon, never know what 2010 holds. If the last quarter of 2009 was any indication of how 2010 can look like, I must say, I should be fairly happy.

During New York times, I used to crave for a stable life. I craved for a time where I don't have to worry where am I flying to and when am I flying and how to arrange accommodation for family, for myself, etc. I just wanted to stay put and work. That's all I wanted to do. Work, go to the gym and hangout with friends. I just wanted to work. I used to tell James all the time I'm so tired of uncertainty and flying and coordinating trips. He always tells me that I am very lucky and blessed to have this uncertainty in my life. and yes, true, I am indeed lucky.

but now that my stable life has started, it's not exactly what i wanted. I wanted a stable life with a specific job in a specific city. I got the stable life. But God got the job and the city wrongly. Now I'd rather be uncertain in New York than certain in Malaysia.

I never really learnt much from staying abroad until I started my 2nd internship after I graduated. Life was so different and I learnt so much more. Technically, it took me 2.5 yrs abroad in order to appreciate living abroad and embracing the culture and getting used to doing things their way. Now that I'm so used to it, it's just lazy and difficult to change back to the local ways.

I miss you. You made a huge difference in the short period of time I was there. You provided me with the lifestyle and atmosphere that I could only dream of. And I've lived that dream. Thank you. I hope you get her. :)

2009-12-16T12:47:00.001-06:00

It's been a crazy few weeks. Zoukout was a great experience but not something I would do again.

I lacked focus when I was there. I went there with the wrong mindset and that is the MOST important thing to bring along with me. Unfortunately, I was and have been clouded by recent events and so were my thoughts.

It was not a case of confidence or nervousness.

Simply said, I went there without an objective. I was unsure right from the start.

Rumors are going around saying there'll be another one in January in Malaysia. If it does happen, should I go?
Is it to prove to myself and others that I can do it with the right frame of mind? That there wasn't anything lacking in me or my personality? Or am I there really because I want another shot at flying with them? I don't know.

When the time comes I trust that I shld know what to do.

I am disappointed in myself for not preparing myself mentally and for being distracted easily.

I am disappointed because i have done it once successfully and I believe I can do it again yet I failed this time around; unfortunately due to circumstances that are very emotional-driven. And because I did not do some soul searching and actual sit-down mental preparation.

At that moment, it seemed perfectly fine to me because it was no great loss. In fact I only saw the bright sides and immediately smiled when they didn't call my name. I knew what I could look forward to.

But after tonight, I have doubts, not because of the job but because of my thoughts. Itay not be all flower beds and roses and soft sheets.

I came across an old bump today. That could still trip me and make me stumble a lil after so long. What does that say? That the last few weeks and the interview didn't matter at all. My mind was clouded with thoughts and fantasies and dreams that are difficult to realize. But when in that mode, everything seemed possible and beautiful.

I was told today that someones fren has been chosen to be stationed in holland for 1 yr due to work. And he's planning to propose to his girlfriend of 5 yrs in order for her to come along with him under spousal visa. Granted that he's 27 and I'm not, but I still crave for a life like this.

We talked about it n it what are the chances? Close to none in my opinion. That's alot of possibilities and probabilities there to be calculated before one can reach an end result like that.

I believe that my life can't be as easy and happy as that. I used to think otherwise until this year. When I can see that God will throw at u wat u can take at the age he thinks u can handle it. Now I really believe that life is never that easy. It was just coincidence and sheer luck that I've been blessed to be borned Into a family as such.

I'm uncertain already. In just one night.

2009-12-01T02:04:00.001-06:00

Elatedness. So much has been going on and happening. I can't keep track anymore. All I know is that I'm truly happy and haven't felt so in a reallllyyyyy long time.

And it's the kind of happiness where I'm not stickily attached and don't feel the need to be. I'm just happy when spending time. And when not, I'm contented with my life too :)

Life is beautiful. Because if u can wait thru the stormy weather, there'll be a rainbow waiting for u on the other side.

And if u pass thru the rainbow with flying colors, there'll be.......

The POT OF GOLD! :p

overwhelmed

2009-11-14T02:14:00.000-06:00

i think i just caught a glimpse of what the future can look like. and it's scary.

not sure if i like what i see.

painful reminder of what it can be like.

stay away...stay away....stay away....

just dont walk away.

you

2009-11-02T14:44:00.000-06:00

I don't know why we all hang on to

something we know we're better off

letting go. It's like we're scared to lose

what we really don't even have. Some

of us say we'd rather have something

than nothing at all, but the truth is...

to have something halfway is harder

than not having it at all.

you're really near perfection. I have this whole you're-too-good-to-be-true thing going on in my head.
Really? are you like that? zom-gee.

All the coffees, the expensive dates, the friends, the conversation, the walks, the perfect movie....it's like magic.
As said countless times, even if things do not work out and we end up as friends, I will never stop thanking God for allowing our paths to cross. It is a miracle.

Name me one downfall about you.............................................
and I promise, I'll let you go.

Tempered glass

2009-10-25T14:44:00.000-05:00

Is God making things difficult for me? or REALLY easy for me?

As we grow older, with life experiences, we tend to tread on glass more carefully. That's why there are engineers that make tempered glass so that the injury will be less severe.

i am at a loss for words. not many things in life can leave me at a loss for words. because I always have so much to say. I have an opinion for everything from how to milk a cow to how facebook should ban stupid farm games.

Starbucks was a good start. We could talk till the cows come home..Guess the cow did come home eventually.
First place was an unusual one - a very different one.

I don't know. I'm losing track of the days. I forgot where we went on what day doing what. I rmb all the coffee and conversations we had. More importantly, I remember how you make me feel. I can't shake off that feeling. It's like im caught in this whirlwind and there's no way to get out of it except to sit thru it.

I like you. but you scare me. your guts scare me. your charm, your near-perfect everything scares me.

I want to describe it so badly but I just can't. I don't know how to explain it. It just feels really right.

It's like a dream come true. It's like a combination of the best I can ever hope for is knocking at the door and asking for a chance.

If I were to let it walk by, I deserve to never meet THE guy again. Because some people wait for god knows how many years to meet someone like that.
And I'm turning 23 this year, and I've met him. I can only wish for one thing.

I wish I met him earlier so I get to spend more time with him.

seriously.

2009-10-21T14:12:00.000-05:00

this is getting a lil difficult. I don't really know what's gonna happen but I'm just gonna go with the flow.

I guess if he's making the call, I don't really have much say huh ..not that i want to.

and I guess if he's persistent and ok with the deal, I'm okay too.

I duno. God, why do you put me in situations like these all the time? Is it cz I stopped going to church?

I see dream guy - compatibility, stable job, intelligent, funny, futuristic, safe, planning, good looking
I see dream qualities - patient, loving, caring, funny, gentle, good looking, smart, supportive.

I want 2-in-1

Facebook & Damansara

2009-10-18T03:43:00.000-05:00

Restaurants and farms? Really. You wanna FEEL like you live in the Midwest? I've been there. Let me tell you, it's not anywhere near living in PJ. But seriously...Bush doesnt even give you grants for this, for cryin' out loud! fyi, it takes up alot of news feed space too. *just informing*

Gawd i LOVE pj! It's the snobbish thing to say but I'm still gonna say it. It's like the whole i-live-in-manhattan-and-therefore-will-never-live-anywhere-outside-of-manhattan-kinda-thing. I live in PJ and will ABSOLUTELY never tolerate living anywhere else other than PJ.

Nope.
Puchong is not PJ.
Subang is not PJ.
Sunway is not PJ.
Kepong is not PJ.
TTDI is not PJ.
Sg. Buloh is not PJ.
Kota Damansara is not really PJ.

So yes, Damansara ppl may seem snobbish but you can only say so once you've lived here. Because, really, I will guarantee you that once you live here, you'd turn into this Damansara bitch that you've never met.(and probably neither have I.)

Only because I live in Damansara and therefore, am allowed to feel this way.
The world revolves around Damansara. Literally. *really proud*

That being said, I have plenty of friends who live all over Selangor* and I love them to pieces.

*(Selangor = 7 mile radius from PJ)
So no, Rawang isnt Selangor. Rawang is ......just Rawang.
But it's ppl who live THAT far away and still hangout in Damansara that makes me love them even more.
Sg. Long friends are awesome! Coz they live so far away but they hangout in PJ.
Far is like really far. It's like driving and driving and driving and still going nowhere. It's like that camera trick in movies, they show the lady behind the wheel and apparently driving but her background just stays stagnant. She doesnt move. Basically.
So yeah, its like WHEEEEE. I reached Cheras. So where's Sg. Long? Nope, not in sight. So keep driving. Then, WHEEEEE, I reached Kajang. Just keep driving. Then you'll see Sg. Long Golf & Country Club. That's friends. Thank you, Steven.

Compatibility....

2009-10-16T16:41:00.000-05:00

is what I haven't felt in exactly 5 years. Even so, it doesnt even come close to this.

This is pretty amazing, I gotta admit.

Criterion coupled with attraction.

Timeless.

No physical attraction, really just the personality.

I guess some things in this life still does exist :)

I dont think

2009-10-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

.....this is what having options feels like. But this is also what boredom feels like. I have a choice to do one of a few things:

*Charity work
*Dance lessons
*Mandarin lessons

Which one should I take? I need to occupy my time with more useful activities other than watching movies, karaoke-ing and yumcha-ring. I could still go to the gym for another 2 weeks. and play badminton once a week.

Someone told me to be prepared to be jobless for about 3 months because it's not that easy. But I've not been working for almost 5 months since I came back. Well, technically, im jobless for 2 weeks but still.....

Lalalalalala.......I want girlies. I have no girlies anymore. Where's ichen, sara, jannah, yuen leng, chui wa, cass?
I'm bored of boys. They are after all ...the same.

A friend suggested:
a) I could ask them on a date and make them do funny things.
b) I could watch them fight over me. ----> that'd be AWESOME!.

I really like b).

Point is: Always make whatever ur doing fun and that way it'll be less of a pain and more of an entertainment. Who doesnt love entertainment? I love fun. I'm gonna go with b).

Phuture

2009-10-11T13:43:00.000-05:00

.....wasnt as packed as before.

but still packed. prefer the crowd at velvet.

Random night. Met ppl I shldn't have met. Did stuff I shouldnt have done nor do i usually do. WEIRD. but awesome.

Things are a lil fucked up now. But, i guess with time, it will pass. Then the dynamics will change too.
Why can't I just go back to US like how it was planned? Then EVERYTHING would be settled. Now I have to think of so many things just because I'm not going back. I have to have an answer for everyone that asks why am i not going back? Why am I still not working after so long?
I am not answerable to ANYONE.
Get that right.

I am greedy. I just wanna have fun. Is that so wrong? I stopped going to church because I don't know what I'm believing in anymore. Miracles? Patience? None of which are coming.

I really just wanna go back to New York. I just want back my original plan. There's not one day I don't think about it.
I miss New Malaysia.
I miss Cliff St.
I miss 31st and Park.
I miss Dunkacino.
I miss coffee everyday as a staple food.
I miss dressing up.
I miss James. so much. I miss the Brooklyn Bridge sunrise mornings. Gorgeous.
I miss talking to you when you're drunk.
I miss doing nothing Saturday afternoons.
I miss doing nothing Sunday afternoons.
I miss making your bed, cleaning out your closet, cleaning up your room.
I miss rushing to work for the 4,5 train on Fulton.
I miss waking up to no one at 10am knowing you went to work.

Can I get my life back pls? There are things I'm still holding on to because I'm hoping for a miracle.

interesting night.

2009-10-06T16:13:00.000-05:00

I stoned in my mum's car after coming back from Kayu. duno what to think and duno what to say.

I received a CD today. It has a few of my fave songs in them. One of them Ji De by A-Mei. :) Thank you.

I had ppl semi-camped at my house at 130am. HAHA. summer camp. amazingggggg!
Lying on the wooden floor with lights, fishpond and stones. only missing the water and sleeping bags. I love the reflection of the shrine upon the glass. Beautiful. I love my house.

I hate my room. pls get it fixed.

My kakak forgot to put bedsheets in my sister's room!
So i have to choose between sleeping with bedsheets but WITHOUT aircond.
or sleeping without bedsheets but WITH aircond.

So i chose the rajin way. I slept without bedsheets but with aircond. but I susah payah carry the comforter and my pillow over. SHE is so gonna get it from me tmr.

I REALLY REALLY appreciate the friends around me. Although i've known them for a short while, they truly treat me like they've known me for yrs just as they've known each other. Thank you :)

Did I tell everyone???????????? I got a newwwwwww carpet/rug for my room! It's for the closet area and it fits perfectly! It's silky-ish and soft soft and super nice to roll around in. Bright red and light pink thick stripes. Beautiful, bold, striking, and outstanding.

Now just the darn bathroom and aircond needs to be fixed. Then i can remove my bathroom door and put a partition to my closet. :) and hopefully get a matching rug for my bedside. and I can put back all my shot glasses and handbags.

FUCKING PLEASE!

2009-10-01T05:10:00.000-05:00

I've had a tumultuous 3 weeks. Can this please stop?
I wanna shut my phone, my laptop, my email and my facebook account.
I just wanna book a ticket and fly.
So the bad news will stop coming. Today is probably the last piece of it that came with a decent one.

And would every freakin' person I don't know well enuff to hangout fucking stop asking me about it???

Listen: If I'm not close enough to hangout with you means you don't need to know what's going on. so shut the fuck up.

The next person who opens their mouth about it, I'm never speaking to them ever again.
If I wanna talk about it with you, i will. You don't even have to ask.

I HATE answering questions.
I HATE talking about it.

so FUCKING PLEASE.
Dont ask.

Sweet Dreams on a Beautiful Night

2009-09-29T15:01:00.002-05:00

I ... like...never ever ever dream. not in the longest time at least. Until the recent UK trip. I have been dreaming EVERY night except the first night when i landed in Kenilworth. Knocked out.

For the most part, they were oddly funny, weird about everyday stuff that doesnt seem about quite right.

There were 2 dreams however, that were scary. The first one I remembered very well because I woke up checking my email and I cried at 640am. It had something to do with the visa and the job. I couldnt do anything about it. I just sat there and watched. When i checked my yahoo account, I saw an email my mum just sent 15 mins ago.

I know..God said what i want may not be what i need. and if I trust, He will give me greater things. But can I refuse greater things?
I don't want greater things.
I just want this one thing.
I just want to go back to New York City and work.
I never said I needed it. I just want it.
So pls just give me what I want eventhough it may not be the greatest.

***

The second had something to do with you. I don't know how you still manage to fit into this whole puzzle. but it was bad.

I want to shut the whole blog down because reading it makes me feel repulsive. Makes me wanna throw up. I doubt he ever read it.
I want to shut it down because it means nothing to me anymore.
I HATE reading it. I just can't bring myself to read it. Because I find nothing of value in there. not even memories.

But then again, it's not really mine. I started it. I wrote it. For him.

***

My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Piccoult

An excellent piece of work. Details are so vivid I felt I was there with her thru all the IV drips. The movie (released recently, starring Cameron Diaz) does not do justice to Piccoult's remarkable imagination and description of each hospital visit and each chemotherapy session.

It is however, an excellent read. It's the first book I've cried while reading. (no, i only cry for movies usually). Bought the book at a second hand store at St. Nicholas' Market in Bristol.

There were moments of detailed description of intimate moments that I just.. just couldnt.
I lost it.
Her choice of words for the sexual encounters left me tearing. I actually felt physical pains in my chest. I used the Emirates blanket to wipe away those huge droplets of beautiful painful memories.

"When you love someone, you will do whatever it takes to keep them with you."

I am puzzled as to why I'm still feeling this way. I thought I already let it all go.
Maybe I need to see you and get it out of my system. But I might just be too weak.
Because, what then, is keeping me from seeing you week after week? day after day?

Absolutely nothing.

I have no flight to catch. No tickets to book. No job to go to. No huge city to go to. No foreign country to go. Just YOU.

Miss

2009-09-21T18:44:00.001-05:00

Mummy sent a forwarded email saying:

Sometimes God doesn't give u what u want bcz he knows u don't really need it.

Trust in Him and He will give u what's best for you.

It's tough to believe in such quotes in times like these.

I miss hookah.
I miss clubbing.
I miss you.
I miss hanging out doing nothing on a Sunday.
Watching Seinfeld with subtitles and u still explaining to me what just happened.
U making dinner on weeknights.
I miss being lazy to be the last one to use the bathroom.
I miss rushing to work grabbing dunkin donuts before boarding the subway.
I miss lazing in bed then realizing we are half hour late.

I miss new York city.

Bath

2009-09-21T01:28:00.001-05:00

I had a scary one.

Henlin debenhams. New guy?
All were copied on that email.

Asking if the lawyer had been paid upfront?

What was that about?

O Well, Shit Happens.

2009-09-14T01:13:00.002-05:00

There's just been so much going on lately.

It's a lil overwhelming to take in all at once.

I sincerely, truly hope you'll be okay and everything else will go according to plan.

I absolutely believe in you and that you didn't do it. I told my mum, she may not have completely believed it. But i know you, she doesnt. I know you're not that kinda person.

Stay strong and you'll pull thru yours and I'll get thru mine.
After all that, mine seems minute to what you have to go thru.

Hugs and kisses. I miss you so much after hearing your voice.

and yup, rules. NO crying.

I pray all will go well tmr morning for you. God will see to justice if you didn't do it. I trust you didnt.

Malaysia makes me feel alive.

2009-09-03T09:33:00.003-05:00

I have learnt and seen so much in the 4 months I've stayed in Malaysia. The monstrosity of a relationship that can take over your life, your very being. Its essence can make peeps around you feel abandoned.

I went to Jakarta and saw what humble was. The little boy was shirtless in the rain asking for money when we were in our car. How can I say no to that? It tore my heart. Seeing kids run around the food court barefoot selling newspapers made me tear and gave what would have meant nothing to me but meant alot to them.

The friends I've made will stay with me. not forever. because nothing lasts forever. what is forever? Does not exist in my vocab. But they have made my stay a pleasant one.

To the friendships I managed to rekindle while i was here during my short stay, thank you.
To those I bump on the street yet manage a hi or a quick couple of lines just to find out what each other are doing - means alot to me. Means more than sitting down for an awkward yumcha session with nothing to say.
To those whom I met up with once or twice only, I appreciate it much more than you know. Especially chui wa. u know that.

To those who have made my days my nights, and my nights my days thank you. I enjoyed every single bit of American timing :)

I have learnt how to drive and park a lil better. Learnt PJ roads a lil more. I learnt how to play computer games and pool though I still suck at it. I learnt what is patience and tolerance level when faced with another equally bitchy counterpart.

I am sorry to the one person that I didnt make good. It can be said I did not take the time to be bothered but I am also ashamed and at a lost for words if I do make the call.

And to you...I don't know, nor do i want to know. But it was probably the best decision I've ever made in the last 5 years that I got to know you. I still have not forgiven myself and us and you for putting us and me and you through such hardship and difficulty but I realized that we both will grow and learn from it as I am doing now. It is difficult to rekindle this friendship nor am i completely interested in doing it. I take it as it comes. The very few times that I talk to u, I have to keep it short and not immerse myself in the conversation. I know I cannot take myself out of it when im done and i'll still end up drowning in the sins of it. It's better that I keep away from it and harbor nor invest any emotions in the short talks we have.

and to someone, I am a lil disappointed in how things turned out. I did think that I did my best for you. I hope you appreciated it. I still hope there's room for the friendship to grow. I expected responsibility from you but you didnt quite step up your game. It seems that when you were well, you left those who were with u through the rain.

At the end of the day, I still have slight unbattered feelings for you, or should I say, attachment. When the talks get personal, when the words get closer, the emotions get stronger. I still fail at my very first basic task which is to strip off emotions entirely. It's not really my problem how far you got along with what you wanted originally, that's what I tell people most of the time because I don't really know how far along you are. But tonight I found out. It is indeed a small world. I'm sorry if it didnt go the way you wanted. I am sorry if you abandoned me for what u chased but still have not attained it. But in no way do i ever regret.

Best wishes,
siewann

Malaysia makes me feel alive..emotions I have not felt in a long time and did not know still existed. but im sure New York has just as much to offer.

I've been MIA

2009-08-07T07:57:00.008-05:00

i miss writing. hehe. much has happened since i last wrote.

i went to phuket, fainted and came back.

i went to melaka, met up with edmund, had the best crepe cake of my life and i forgot to take pictures of it. -_-

btw i dont know when i started using this anime-ish icon. cz i never understood why ppl used it. then suddenly last week, it just hit me. i just started using it. i used to think ppl who use this icon are lame freaks of anime.

just like how ppl who use lol. then i caught on to the lol thing while i was in New York, thanks to some co workers.

life has been generally great this last couple of weeks. i cried. i smiled. i laughed like nobody's business. I met a lot of new people. i go to sleep at 6am.

I met:
Jason - super lame. super gentleman.
Jason - longgggggg-lost acquaintance. can't believe im seeing him almost everyday. patient.
Ben - hmm i don't really know. super nice guy. soft-hearted.
Kai Hsin - cute. hot. and taken. lol.
Naomi - she got married! and is moving to Abu Dhabi. bought sth for me from Japan eventhough she barely knows me. sweet of her.
Christopher - very quiet. works in Pathlab. that's all i know.
Moe - hehe. i love his name. i dont know him well enuff but wld love to call him momo. hehe. and his real name is also very nice. yew weng. it's just very..hmm..attractive?
Ee Leng - i like her. she showed me how to get out of ss2. seems very cool. goes to school in US too!

and all this, thanks to Dayton Lim. lololol. he intro-es good people.

i met someone else too.
Aaron - very nice guy. intro-ed by Ian. he played l4d with me. and brought me to good chicken rice place near my house! have actually heard of his online pseudonym and his blog before. just never knew that the person i met that night was him. oh ya. met at zouk. :) thanks to Ian.

I spent my last 1 month hanging out with these ppl. from movie to yumcha to badminton to karaoke to pakistani lunch (???wtf) to baskin robbin ice cream to 50% lunch pasta at daves to PLAYING Left4Dead.

omg. this is like for an entire new paragraph. it's a.w.e.s.o.m.e.
im quite a girly girl that likes shopping, handbags and purple. and dislike driving, directions, and boom-boom pow-wow stuff.
so when 3 guys suggested playing L4D, i was like -__- but i'll try.

and then, magic happened. as they say the rest is history.

but i can tell u one thing. i can't use mouse and keyboard SIMULTANEOUSLY lor. how does it work???? using mouse to move up and down for ur up and down view while standing at the same spot. and click to shooot shoot shoot. then scroll to choose which gun to use and all. and using ASDW for movement forward, backward, left and right. then E to pick up items like band aid, ammo, etc. and R to reload. this is only basic. still got 1,2,3,4 for duno wat. and opening doors and releasing duno wat. i'm not even there.

like seriously lor. so many things leh. i got confused. boo. i get confused easily.

but then hor, so fun. i got so addicted. i played it twice a day 2 days ago.

hehe. but ppl laugh at me. cz when i go into a room, i duno how to get out. cz the doorway is so freaking small and they have glass doors next to it. and i can't differentiate between got glass door and dont have. so i end up walking into glass doors going , "why i cannot get out wan??????"

and i keep falling of high places. cz i duno how to jump across. then ppl need to come help me up. and im the one that suffers the most damages but does the least damages to zombies, tanks and what not.

hehe. but i'm improving okayyyy?

toodles. hearts left4dead.

Life after working in AM Sales

2009-07-16T01:56:00.002-05:00

So you know how when you work for your father's company, you never really have anything to do?

Yup. you just sit there checking ur emails, facebooking, youtubing (if the connection doesnt suck ass), checking your credit card bills, your investment portfolio.)

And doing filing.

and shredding invoices dating back to 15 years ago.

and when i'm not working for AM Sales & Marketing, I'm out running errands for Mr. Tai. like paying his bills that he forgot to pay 2 months ago, collecting car stickers for a housing area, dealing with his banker, credit card, mailing out renewal subscription for The Edge amongst others.

And when I'm not doing that, I'm sitting at home bitching to kakak about how bosan I am.
i love life.

and today when I have nothing else to do, I try to turn on Astro but to no avail coz I have no idea how to work it when it says "no sync. signal"

I have recently moved to a new housing area which is by far, the quietest, most peaceful but undoubtedly most boring housing area too. But the house is not completely done. I wake up to sounds of drilling every morning. Just to fulfil my wish for a complete house, let me bore you to death with how the house is not complete.

To start of with, the drilling every morning comes from the side garden where a shrine/altar cum fishpond is being built.

My room is barren because the contractors took out my entire bed panels on both sides. fyi, i have a platform bed hence the panels. Daddy misinterpreted the feng shui master's words and my design, hence it was all reversed. It is now in the factory being ordered again. My bed head cushion is being ordered now and it takes a few weeks.

My bathroom just got done yesterday with the glass panel to put my toiletries on and my shower head got changed to a handheld one with holders for putting shampoo and the like.

I have yet to destroy my bathroom door and replace it with a plastic slidng/wooden door. For lack of bathroom space, I'm destroying the regular door. It opens and then proceeds to take up 50% of my bathroom space.

I have yet to look at "Red Envelope" in 1U for my so called photograph-curtain-ring drapes dividing the area between my bed and my closet area.

The breakfast/island table in the dry kitchen needs 3 high stools. Mummy and I found the perfect stools at XZQT in 1U. It's a modern styled furniture shop in 1U on the highest floor in the new wing. The problem: It costs RM3k for 3 stools and daddy not willing to pay for it.
I must also tell you that this shop has the most amazing clock designs. that of course costs about RM350 on the average.

Next: ALL the bathrooms DO NOT have mirrors. wtf.

Next: ALL the glass doors AND windows DO NOT have curtains. Yes, the security guard by the park behind my house has been enjoying a glorious view every night simply because I love walking around my room naked.

My sister's bathroom wall tiles were hacked due to pipe leakage and hence need to be replaced.

A telephone table is missing. We are using a plastic/wooden ABC table from my childhood days.

SHOE CUPBOARD. one of the utmost important things. The developer obviously did not have a female on their design team. Because the shoecupboard they provided is about 6-7 ft tall and 1 foot wide starting from my waist up. Who on freaking earth is gonna put their shoes at the sixth and the half feet level??? bragh.

so i told my dad to build another shoe cupboard spanning across the entire garage. i love my daddy. i told him i want to be able to put 30 pairs of shoes per person. granted that he and the kid in the house wont use up 30 pairs, this gives me another 20 pairs of shoes space to play around with. wheeeee!

speakers: the AV room has some water leakage problem. They fixed it but havent painted it back yet. Hence, the aircond is being draped with white cloth. The gorgeous sexylicious speakers are wrapped and hidden in the guest room. And, we dont have a home theatre speakers yet. can't watch movie with the surround sound system effect. The speakers we have are only for hifi. but it's fucking awesome. when it's all put back in place, all are welcomed to my house to listen to music. It's the only great thing that u can do in my house.

Progress: I bought hangers :)

moving on, i really need to get a move on on my US visa thingy. I did something today. I managed to find out the exact dates for my US trip back in 1997 when my daddy promised me that trip if I made it to no.1 in class. haha. yes i'm pretty damn smart.

i'm going to meet up with Yih Wei in a bit. Whee! no more boredom.

i love life. going to phuket this sunday.

making a trip to jakarta next month.

hopefully a perhentian and penang trip in between.

maybe even taiwan. depending on Mr. Tai. :)

then UK in the fall.

i love my life.

and then back to working in New York and no break for at least 1.5 years. sigh.

i love my life.

2009-07-09T12:14:00.001-05:00

We still are kinda strangers in some way. U just don't know it yet.

And I won't doubt the fortune tellers words. It was pretty darn accurate. I rmb this part most clearly. The part where when ur 25....u will find someone else u love more than u do now.

Im so happy! I'm not a zouk virgin anymore. I was de-flowered past week! But it was nth orgasmic also. Phuture was Just really smoky and packed with chicks that know how to dress up n look hot. And shoulder to shoulder
With strangers. Disgusting at some point. But oh well. Experience.

I love the Malaysian lifestyle. But
My American counterparts miss me!! Gosh...I miss James and my life when I was there. It was carefree not knowing what's
Next yet working and enjoying
At the same time.

Toodles.

Template Change

2009-07-02T22:02:00.002-05:00

Template Change!!!!!! Aaaaa! Aaaa!

Maybe if I scream a few more times, my template might actually start to change. ooo...*marvels at genius thought*

Apparently my sister is coming back from Paris & Venice on July 10th. For some reason, it doesnt seem to concern me all that much. All I know is I'll laugh at her once she gets back cz her room is empty. HAHA. Product of indecisiveness, tht's why. And her closet is damn small. Kakakaka. and so is her bathroom - not that mine is all that big. but still..bigger than hers, just like my butt :)

If she bought something back from Paris for me, I might take this post down.
If she bought something back from Venice for me, I will write another post on her stupidity - which basically just means another post on HERSELF. teehee.

I went yumcha at Pappa Rich Section 14 yesterday. I didnt even know one existed there. And Old Town and Starbucks next to it - tsk tsk..their traffic just pales compared to PR.
I love love love Pappa Rich. I've not had anything bad there. But I also love Rich Pappa. :)

I should quit work by mid-July latest. My resolution then for my free time is to:
1. Exercise 4 times a week.
2. Start my scrap book.
3. Re-organize my entire room. (more on that later)
4. Actually start filling up forms for my visa, make payment, and go for interview.
5. yumcha and E.A.T. more???

Back to my room organization.
I gave my design to my dad who gave it to the interior designer to execute it as per my drawings.
My dad consulted a feng shui master on all the rooms. Feng Shui master said that I have to sleep with window on my right hand side, which was exactly the way I designed it to be bcz I don't want sun glaring in my eyes at 8am.

Now...my dad MISINTERPRETED the feng shui guy's words of wisdom translated as screwing up my impeccable taste in design. He designed the ENTIRE platform bed the other way around!

He designed it for my lovely eyes to face the beautiful but scornful morning golden rays. So one would say I should just turn the way I sleep to face the correct way right??? But if I do that, which I am doing now, my head rest is now the closed shelves that were made for me to put stuff and for me to open up and put my laptop on to work. You can't open those shelves properly with the bed there! And the place where the head rest was designed, which is the vertical part, it's now bare and empty with softtoys and cushions on the platform. with my bed dresser at the opposite end of the platform.

The only logical thing to do after this blunder was made is to bear with it and sleep with the windows to my soul facing the gorgeous view of the park rite? because I don't want to waste daddy's money. but no! Daddy say I can't change the sleeping direction that I'm supposed to face.
Reason cited: Bad feng shui.

!!!!! how is that even a reason? That's an excuse. For what, I don't know.

So now, the entire wall corners ie. the head rest, the shelves, the bed dresser, has to be hacked bcz it's anchored into the wall and the wood has to be sent back to the factory to order and make it again. >_<

And my room will be dusty and dirty. And I have to put away all my pretty shot glasses. Mummy broke 2 of them while moving them here :(

Which means I have to sleep in my stinky-phooey brother's room with Spiderman bedsheet for a week. *and the bedsheet is rough*

I have so much to talk about. but things just keep pre-occupying me. then I get distracted. Then I don't write. then i get distracted again.

yea, i get pretty distracted easily. what's new?

You're Not With Me Through This Journey Anymore

2009-06-29T20:40:00.010-05:00

Another day has gone

I'm still all alone

How could this be

You're not here with me

You never said goodbye

Someone tell me why

Did you have to go

And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself

How did love slip away

Something whispers in my ear and says

That you are not alone

For I am here with you

Though you're far away

I am here to stay

But you are not alone

For I am here with you

Though we're far apart

You're always in my heart

But you are not alone

'Lone, 'lone

Why, 'lone

Just the other night

I thought I heard you cry

Asking me to come

And hold you in my arms

I can hear your prayers

Your burdens I will bear

But first I need your hand

Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself

How did love slip away

Something whispers in my ear and says

That you are not alone

For I am here with you

Though you're far away

I am here to stay

For you are not alone

For I am here with you

Though we're far apart

You're always in my heart

For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'

And girl you know that I'll be there

I'll be there

You are not alone

For I am here with you

Though you're far away

I am here to stay

For you are not alone

For I am here with you

Though we're far apart

You're always in my heart

For you are not alone

For I am here with you

Though you're far away

I am here to stay

For you are not alone

For I am here with you

Though we're far apart

You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...

My favorite. I think ppl are a lil too judgemental about him.

To you:
"But first I need your hand, then forever can begin."

you should know that you're not alone in anything u do.
if you fail, when there's no one else around, talk to me.
bcz I have never judged you from what you have.
i will always be here if you need someone to talk to. if you need someone to listen.

either way pls call. i would love to hear from you. i know i said not to call.
but it lets me know you still care.

Every street I walk along, I pray I bump into you. it gives me an excuse to smile and say hi to you.

with love.

2009-06-29T20:37:00.002-05:00

I really really wanna talk to you so badly. even a simple text will do. but i just can't. i know i shldnt.

so if you will, pls call me. send me a text. it wld mean im picking up a smile. receiving a smile. a smile that i havent seen since i last saw you.

i miss you.

with love,
siewann.

Scanning at least 1000 pages individually with a scanner that takes 45 secs to scan a page.

2009-06-29T01:18:00.003-05:00

Heh! funny reason:
I didnt wanna work for my dad so soon cz I knew that it would mean my scrap book and exercise time is given up. As it is, I have to give up my exercise time already cz Tropicana is being so strict about it :(
Anyway, the real main reason was because I was afraid I wouldnt have much time to spend with you anymore. And true enough, that happened.

So when the GM told me I might be able to get off by end of June or early July, I was of cz deliriousssss and excited! It means I get more siew ann time, but I also get more you time or rather us time. But I didnt wanna tell you too soon in case I actually counted my eggs before it was laid.

But guess what? Daddy's relationship with me isn't that great. Really, I dont know what he's complaining about because I don't even/rarely work with him. I work with other ppl in the office. but i don't really care anyway why he thinks so. So he wants me to stop work for his company which I'm perfectly fine with.

Only problem is now other than scrap book and exercise time, I'm not too sure what to do bcz the realllllll reason I wanted to stop work early was of cz, you. But oh wells, anyway, I have to find something better to do with my time then. :)

What's really ironic is that I still can't decide if I shld go back to the States or not. It should be easier now that you SHOULD be out of the equation in my decision. But it isn't! aaaarggghhh!
Im still so fickled about it. It's like stay or dont stay. Leave or don't leave. I need a quick decision. It's really simple. It's a 50-50 answer. I think I shld just flip a coin..o wait...i HAVE done that. and out of 3X, 2x says that I should stay. Hehe. maybe I should just stay huh.

On the other hand, I don't see what harm can going back to New York do to me for a yr or so. After all, alot of things may change after a yr plus. ie. the economy, enabling SIA to start regaining their $9 billion loss so they can start hiring me. Maybe feelings too. or maybe not change. haha. I hope not. but I also hope so.

yadda yadda yadda. oo. interesting message. James said that Central Park had great weather today :) I'm happy for New Yorkers. and he woulda bought me ICE-CREAM if I was there. wheeeeee! kinda wished I was back in NY now. haha. then we will watch little girls skipping along in the park and all the new mummies pushing their strollers. So cute. That made me happy. it's kinda simple isn't it? I don't know why the simples things in life make me sooooo happy. :) so says WHO i am materialistic???????

oo oo oo...one more thing, i wanna share! *squeals* the Gucci store I saw in KLCC..aahhhhh. such nice variety. Couple nice things but nth that reallyyyyy caught my eye. I should have bought the one I saw in Woodbury :( And the Tod's I saw in Woodbury too. Sigh, live with regrets. I don't like that. Nextime, I see I like, I shall buy. I really dont like living with regrets. So, nextime:
I see, I like, I stay (in Malaysia). Heehee.
I see, I like, I take action.
I see, I like, I flirt.
I see, I like, I love.
I see, I like, I sayang.
I see, I like, I keep.
I see, I like, I steal.

in love.

Can I?

2009-06-28T12:27:00.001-05:00

It hurts so much just YOU being with her. I'm so glad I saw some pals later.

"u can control ur mind,but not ur heart. " -Jason-

It kills me not being able to see YOU but it's the only way.

2009-06-25T10:54:00.002-05:00

it hurts.

a million broken pieces.

I thought i was tougher than before. I am. It actually doesnt hurt as much as when I was in US.

but it still hurts. the throbbing pain.

I will be strong when strong is the only option left.

but really...im just breaking down.

it's like when he breaks my heart, he tries to break it softly in hopes that it wont hurt as bad. but it's the same. a break is a break.

and like someone said, "once the vase is broken, even if u piece it back together, it still won't be the same." I should have thought of this 1.5 yrs ago when i stupidly open my mouth. It just neve occurred to me that he is capable of opening his heart to someone else. or rather capable of opening his heart to let me out.

im just crumbling.......it hurts. can i get a band-aid pls?

2009-06-25T03:49:00.002-05:00

I got this beautiful quote while stumbling upon an old classmate's blog.

"I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into the room and smile at you."

It may or may not be accurate in reality but when I read it, it described my feelings right to the most painful point. =) Me feeling this is one thing, whether HE feels the same way or not is a completely different story. It just means THIS (ie. what we're going thru) is love, thru the windows of my soul. but it may not be to him.

Because we have gone wayyyyy past the fairytale times, if it still lasts this long, deep down I believe that this is what's gonna keep us going.

I miss Malaysia THISSSSSS much.

2009-06-22T22:32:00.002-05:00

I think it's time I change my blog layout. It's very stale and dark. On second thoughts, maybe not. It takes up too much time.

Blogging from my dad's office, they've ran out of work to throw to me. And I'm sitting here trying so hard to churn out the words. But they're just not coming. Gawd, I have so much to say, so much to cry, and not sure if i have that much to laugh for.

I miss a gazillion things in this world. I'm trying really hard to remember what were some of the wishes I made in Austria and Italy. The only one that comes to mind is my H1 visa. I rmb muttering it multiple times in multiple churches eventhough 1 new church entitles you to 1 wish.

I THINK I did make some other ones like "useful/happy summer", "start my scrap book", (i forgot to say finish the scrap book as well)...
Another one was the r'ship turns out to be the best for the both of us. I should have rephrased it to r'ship turns to marriage so i can marry him. haha.

Oo...random thought. I do wanna get married though. I was telling TY last night. I really wanna get married so I dont have to deal with all this flying around and stupid major decisions. I will just stick to staying at one place and be fully contented. I can't wait till the day I can say
"YES, as of today and right this very moment, I am so happy and contented with my life". Let's see, when was the lastime I had that feeling?

- when I was working in New York City
- going back further....2004 - summer 2005.

Like I was REALLLLYYYY happy and contented. Nothing could sway me from moving out of those situations. but oh well, life's uncertainty.

I feel like typing a realllllyyyy long post cz I wanna ramble. hehe!
Are married ppl happy? Just married ppl should be though. Hmm...that's why I wanna get married so I can be happy.

I'm really tiredddd....emotionally. and drained. The weird (and stupid) thing is that I don't want to let go, I'm pretty sure I can, I just don't want to. Because if I let go, then I may never get to come back again. I like retracing my footsteps for some reason. Maybe I should actually listen to my dad's advice and go there for 1 year. I think alot can change in 1 year. Including my financial grounds.

I'm waiting for lunch time.I'm so hungry and bored but no one seems to be free to go yumcha.

If directions could kill, i would be the first one dead.

2009-06-21T10:31:00.002-05:00

I'm so sick of driving. I got lost in Hartamas going there. Everything there is freakin' one way. And it only gets better. I got lost coming back. All the way at Penchala Link, i duno how i ended up there. Jason had to meet me at Mofaz.

And ss2 has so many exits, i dont know which is the one that leads me back to LDP. elaine guided me out. hehe.

And now that i've moved to this place next to tropicana, its worst. cz im so far from everything thts kelana jaya like ss2, tmn megah, and no one lives around this area or passes by this area, so i have to get myself out and around if i wanna go out.

but that being said, if i have to cope with all this shortcomings, i will gladly do it if it enables me to have a stable and fulfilling life in Malaysia.

and why the god damn fuck isnt SIA hiring? Of all the years i come back, this is the only year where i can make the decision to stay bcz of SIA. but no, this yr SIA chooses to lose USD9 billion so they can't afford to train any more pilots and hire any more cabin crew.

Cassandra, if ur reading this, pls let me know when SIA is hiring. I'll resign from myNew York job and fly home immediately for an interview! Well, or maybe 2nd round interview la since I bet lots of ppl will go for the first one. Yes, dont doubt my shortness, I am tall enough to be their cabin crew ok?if there's anything they'll fail me for, it's not having big enuff boobs. But, but but...it's been my lifelong dream to fly with SIA. I have to achieve this dream. And of cz with all the traveling perks, the pay and allowances, who doesnt want it?

"a part of me tears when I wonder why God took you away from me so early."

"if there were 1226 stars in the sky, i would dedicate 1225 of them to us, and the remaining 1 star we'll share because stars cannot be broken, but hearts can."

"If I had known where we would end up today, I would have done things so much differently in the past."

Can someone help answer this question for me?

Which is more important in holding a r'ship together: Feelings/love OR the type of person u are, as in whether ur his type or not.

I have absolutely no clue.

Visa has 10 days issuance period

2009-06-18T11:16:00.001-05:00

It's an emo blog. I'm upset. My dad doesn't respect my time. If my boss calls me to work At 830pm n say tht we'll be done in an hour I expect him to keep his word. And not yak on the phone while I stand waiting. And his materials shld be prepared before he calls me in. And not make me sit and wait while he gathers his materials and figure out what he wants to tell me.

My time is precious and valuable. If u don't know how to appreciate it,u shall not have it. This is why I dowan to work at his company. He'll take me for granted just cz his daughter is an employee. Bcz in US,if my boss calls me at 830pm even if I don't have to go to office,it better be fucking
Important enuff such that I'll spend my off hours time talking to him bout work.

No.2
I want someone who tells lame jokes and cute stories to make me laugh when I'm down. I despise dumb guys. Guys who go like "smile la" and not do anything else and then expect u to smile like barbie for him. Piss off then. NEXT!!!!!!!!!

The second secret

2009-06-16T11:34:00.001-05:00

Whoops. Time for secret #2.

When I was a kid I used to think that the whole sperm and ovum getting pregant thing happened only when ur in close proximity with someone else. And only if ur married.

Even at 15 with form 3, bab 1 about sistem pembiakan,I understood the whole process but I just tot that the process took part externally in thin air. So micro that the naked human eye cannot see it. Then *piang* next thing ur pregnant. :)

SMASHES.

2009-05-29T05:51:00.003-05:00

I wanna smash my fucking phone at the wall. I don't know what's my limit anymore. It keeps pushing each time. I wanna know when's the last straw that I will take.

I wanna stop seeing him. But if I do, she will get closer. My decisions and viewpoints are blurred by an outsider. I can't differentiate what's right and what's not. What I shld be doing at 23 and what I shouldnt. I don't really know what I'm doing.

All I know is if I'm gonna be tortured and hurt like that, I want it to be only one guy because no fucking guy will ever get the chance to come close enough to have that power over me ever again.

What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

Hit Again.

2009-05-26T08:03:00.004-05:00

Maybe I should start a new category: "Parents' hits". Or "mum's hits". Dad hardly ever gets there.

Was at Damansara Idaman today. Went back there to take a look at my room colors one more time so i can make a sound decision for the colors of my blinds. which btw, im going with Roman blinds. And, i decided, im gonna go with the red/maroon ones. Cz the cream/grey ones are too blend, as it is my room color is already cream.

Was also there to make a list of things i need to get for my room ie. chairs, bathroom shelves, racks, etc. After that, mum and I went to Taman Sea to a few bathroom stores to take a look at the options available. Then I told her, I will go on the Internet to look for some bathroom/shelving ideas.

So on the Internet i was,just now, looking for some sort of wacky ideas and came across some modern looking ones.

one of my favorite ones.

I showed it to my mum. and here's what she had to say about it.

"tsk tsk. nextime you better marry a rich guy."
"must marry rich guy wan meh? I rich cannot wan ar?"
"aaa...ok la..can also. but u can meh? *scoffs* look at your kind of qualifications and work attitude."

I was fucking speechless. What's wrong with my qualifications? You spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to send me abroad. (yea, not ur money i know) Yes, i don't have a professional degree unlike your other daughter. Yes, I'm not an engineer or accountant. Yes, I dont have 4.0 CGPA or even anything close to it. but so fucking what?

You have not seen me at work. You have not seen me work. period. You do not know my work attitude. The only work attitude you know about me was when I was in high school. And that's not work. That's school. And I hate studying because of you. The As scored represents nothing about my capabilities and my effort. It represents your capabilities of pushing your kids and the effort as a result of that.

You know nothing about me. so shut the fuck up.

Secrets

2009-05-25T06:09:00.002-05:00

I have an idea! (yea, i always do! - whether it's a good one onot, that's a different matter.)

I will tell you something short & personal, be it secrets/stories/beliefs once in every 2 weeks. oh um..hmm maybe not. that's a lil too often.
i may run out of secrets after awhile.
i'm really not that interesting.
oh but whatever. let's stick with 2 weeks. if i run out of something, i 'll just make something up. Americans are very good at that. Today is 25th May 2009. I'll start with today. If I forget, someone, pls remind me HARSHLY. thank uuuu.

I told my mum to upgrade the streamyx tmnet account to the 1Mbps pacakge from our current 512kbps when we move houses. Reason being she always can't hear us properly on skype when we're abroad due to the lagging. Guess what she said to me?

"It's ok. I don't talk to you."

fml.

From solaris - Genting or UFO saucer?

2009-05-19T15:33:00.001-05:00

It's 425am and I still can't sleep. I'm not sure if it's the jet lag or the mind boggling issues. It's been 2 weeks since I came back and there was only once I slept at 9pm. Other times I was up at ungodly hours like this.

I need sleeping pills so bad. I think I'm gonna get some later today. Can't stand it anymore.

Went up to genting today in a spaghetti tank top. And it feels warmmmmmmm....
Effects of global warming LOL.
But seriously, even at night, walking from indoors to outdoors is like walking from outside to an air-conditioned place. It's not as cold as it used to be :(

Went to the haunted house which was supposedly scary, and it is undeniably scary but it was bearable. It was just a lot of tug of war with the 2 gals and 2 guys in there. 2 guys being pulled by 2 gals. Ha....milwaukees Halloween haunted house was wayyyyyy scarier though I must admit they did an awesome job with the graphics in here.

However, one that needs working
On is their leaflet. Zomg. The English that was written in the promo pamphlet was pathetic. I couldn't stop laughing. And was reprimanded by friends to "give them a break". Because after all, it's Malaysia. I read things like "you no worry if you are scared."
I kid you not. I wanted to ask them if I cld be their proofreader of something. LOL.

I have a weak tummy. I can't even handle going up genting. I suck. I'm such a pussy. Genting was never a problem for me. This is a first. Having weird tummy aches, pains, and just air trapped inside. Argh.

Daddy lovessssssssss nagging. I can't stand it! Don't tell me what to do. I already know. It's a matter of choice whether I choose to do it or not.

Oh oh oh... And in first world plaza they were having a Thai exhibition of some sort called Thai songkran. They were selling fabric, clothes and lil trinkets. On the table that was selling hair clips, general clips, etc they put a lil basket there for u to put ur shopping items in. In the basket was written "basket for your choose."

FML --> FGL. G being genting.

Feelings from abroad

2009-05-18T13:32:00.001-05:00

It's Year 2009. My saga shld have ended. In fact, if all went according to plan and I didn't meddle with anything it shld have ended in 2008.

What am I doing here now?

I'm sitting here in front of the best plan possible. More than I could imagine. More than I can ever ask for. More than I want. It's weird. Because ppl usually never get what they want. But I do.

Instead I'm having doubts, mixed feelings...2 weeks is all it takes to rekindle something once lost. And 2 months is all it takes to lose someone after 4 yrs of effort.

"losing contact with u was a mistake."

I now have to bear the consequences. Watching him split his time. I understand but it breaks my heart to see him go through something like that.

Tonight we went out for supper. She was in the vicinity with her parents. We carried our conversations into the car parked near my housing area. She texted and demanded that he come over right now. My heart felt a lil crack instantly. I knew there was no way I wld stop him from going. I will alwis let him do what he wants.

I understand but it breaks my heart.

He left at 1am. She wanted him there in 15 mins. He told me he wld leave around 2am. And wld call me. It's now 30 mins past 2am. He prolly lost track of time. After all he once told me, "she makes me laugh more than u do." but in the same sentence he also said, "but u make me happier. "

I'm trying not to pressure him too much. He is alr receiving enuff of it from the other side. I want him to know what he's doing and make a wise decision tht will satisfy both his heart and mind.

I'm trying to understand but it breaks my heart.

This is the 4th time I'm coming back. The issues that we faced in 2005 shld be over by now. It is after all 2009. And I am turning 23. And him 26.

But I made the choice to go with my career and my self-centered desires and wishes of working abroad. This is the price I pay. My heart breaking is one thing. Watching his heart all messed up and unsure is a different thing. I may not love him anymore (yet), but I still like him. Alot.

As someone I once knew said,"no matter how long u've not spoken to him, when u go back, the feelings will be there. It will come rushing towards u."

Granted this friend of mine went to school in buffalo, his rush might have been a niagara fall type, but mine certainly wasn't. It came. But not rushing. Slowly. Calmly. Painfully.

Vatican city

2009-04-30T05:04:00.001-05:00

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Europe

2009-04-29T15:21:00.003-05:00

I want to raise kids in Austria. So much greens and fresh air. They'll learn how to ski, speak good german and excellent English. And they'll go back to Malaysia appreciating all the local food and culture.

Ich liebe ostereich.

Back to London on Friday and thts the last leg of my eurotrip. It's exhausting and tiring. But great experience.

Europe

2009-04-29T15:21:00.001-05:00

2009-04-29T15:19:00.003-05:00

So we went to Eden strip club last night and it was more amazing than new yorks strip club. Gals were hotter and cheaper cover charge. And some were sweet. I think I like girls. Too much.

I need to stop looking at naked women.

2009-04-29T15:19:00.001-05:00

New Orleans mardi GRAS

2009-04-17T21:27:00.001-05:00

Carnaby, London

2009-04-17T21:26:00.001-05:00

I made new frens today. Wheeeee!! Mun's workmates. Chilling at a local pub after work. That guy on the left totally reminds me of alvin.

I'm sorry to hear ur sick. I miss New York alot. You're part of it.

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Milan sweeties

2009-04-17T21:21:00.001-05:00

First day in Milan.
Wet miserable cold and rainy. One of the lil things to brighten our day.

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The Italian Job

2009-04-15T05:45:00.003-05:00

wow. period. so much has been going on in my life in the last 8 months that i never imagined would ever happen.

still thankful.

Am on a eurotrip so first stop was Coventry, University of Warwick where the sister goes to school.
And I thought Milwaukee was bad lorrr...and so was Buffalo. but this is KING. trumps them all. There's basically zilch to do here. everyone goes to school and go pak tor. This is one place where a serious relationship will flourish. Just as we have witnessed how boring Milwaukee is (ie. no temptaion for lack of good looking people) so many relationships grow into serious long term ones.
This is one place that..lo and behold, you can be husband and wife and play with each other all day. (and also drive each other nuts) because going to "town" means going to a place that is as big as Marquette's campus. Warwick's campus is even bigger than town, believe it or not. (at least thats what it seems to me)

Next stop: Italy
First semi-stop: Milan
Second: Rome
Third: Florence, Tuscany

Tuscany is absolutely beautiful and very picture perfect. It was my favorite city of the 3.

Behind us are hills of Chianti I believe. See the gelato we're gloating on? (clearly mine's shorter since i eat faster >_< ), it won the Gelato Championship. and it's supposedly the best in the world. Really, what they mean is best in Italy because where else do you find gelato anyway? New York City in Lil Italy maybe..

and and and.....this one i cannot tahan. everywhere we went in italy we typically paid about 2 euro for a small sized gelato. (it's the cheapest one) It's kinda standard price. But at this championship lalala place, the smallest one is only 1.70 euro! we felt cheated and ripped off lor. So in order to justify our purchase, (i love justifying my purchases, wait till i tell you bout the ferragamo shoes i bought and the radley im going to buy today and the 10 other dresses i bought in milan, rome and florence) we bought the 2.50 one with chocolate coating on the cone and 3 flavors in one cone, instead of the usual two.

Yes, undeniably, im greedy and one of the days, i had 3 gelatos, skipping lunch. because gelato IS lunch! it's FOOD!

....to be continued.....

In short, Italy is a place you should go if you have friends staying there because accomodation is a bomb! and Florence is the city to be and Rome is an overkill and Florence is an understatement for what it actually is. Same goes for Tuscany hillsides and Siena.

Brooklyn bridge , New York

2009-03-19T22:50:00.001-05:00

Brooklyn bridge, New York.

Relationships are for responsible and boring people.

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Mummy n Daniel leaves new york

2009-03-19T22:45:00.001-05:00

"Here's to all the men that love us
Here's to all the men that we love
But the men that we love will never love us
So I say fuck all the men
And here's to us!"

*wine glasses clink*

What is love again?

Mangoessssssss

2009-02-06T23:34:00.001-06:00

Life's a mango.

Don't know why. I have a weird craving for mango now.

I have the whole weekend to myself, well not entirely but still..... I actually don't know what to do. Without 3 main ppl, I have no life in new York city. Yuen Leng, Tze yip and James.

I used to be so busy cz for November and december I had visitors coming from all over the world/states.

Suddenly, after new years came and went, I finally have time to myself to chill and rest and get sick.

And then it got busy going out with friends again. Now that Tze yip works on weekends, yuen Leng became a homebody and James is away for the weeekend for a ski trip, I duno wat to do. I am actually at home on a Friday night.

Nevertheless, my weekend will still be spent shopping for people and maybe...... Just maybe.... Myself and celebrating someone's birthday.

This weekend easily I will spend $300 just on other ppl.

I still have a $100 bloomingdales gift card to spend.hmm.... Shld I get the juicy couture wallet to mathc my handbag? Or a dress??or maybe.......... Another handbag? Hmmmm.......

Sigh...... Life's tough decisions....

2009-01-31T21:53:00.001-06:00

It's all I can think about. I tell myself and others that even of I don't get it, I have everything to be thankful for and nothing to regret. But deep down that's not the case.

I've been so preoccupied by stuff and friends that I can't even find the time to sit down and book my tickets.

I just wanna keep going without stopping.

I try so hard to find the feelings deep down, the miss u days, but it's not coming.

It just feels......... Stale.

Maybe it really isn't there anymore and it's time for me to move forward.

2009-01-26T23:48:00.001-06:00

I know I will leave New York with tears. Cherished memories. Life experiences.

Thank you.

It's getting harder by the day to leave.

2009-01-10T09:53:00.001-06:00

I know I will leave New York with tears. Cherished memories. Life experiences.

Thank you.

It's getting harder by the day to leave.

Listening to: God Laughs by Delta Goodrem

2008-12-16T15:45:00.003-06:00

A gazillion questions are running through my head. Why does God have to do this to me?
Every single time. Or....is it just me?

Why does God always take away the very/only thing you treasure in life just at the moment when you treasure it most?

God laughs. with us or at us? We are all puppets on earth and he is holding the remote control.

Just when things begin to look good. Just when I found something I like. Just when I found someone I like. God takes it away. Not just takes it away. But takes it and throws you so far out you're half way round the globe.

Or maybe I'm just slow at adapting. Therefore, I have to pay for my own mistakes. If it's one thing I have learnt, it is to never do anything for anyone. Always and always only do things for yourself. Because at the end of the day, you're accountable for your own actions.

You are what you become from what you made yourself to be.

I HAD everything to go back to. and now, I have nothing to go back for.

But, I am thankful for what I had/have that only 95% of people can dream of. As humans, we all have a greedy nature in us. I am no exception. I am greedy and I am proud to admit it. I am so greedy I wanna extend this. I wanna prolong this.

God please....one wish for this Christmas: I want only that. and nothing else.

The weekend

2008-12-07T16:33:00.007-06:00

For the last 3 weekends, I've always had something to look forward to.

Black Friday of cz was just one of them. Got stuck in traffic for 4 hours when it usually takes only 1.5 - 2 hours to get to the outlets. Queued up for a good half hour to use the bathrooms. Queued up a good 45 mins to get into Coach.

Burberry, needless to say had the longest line. All the stores opened at midnight. but Burberry special, open at 6am. and at 3am, the line was alr going 10 stores down...

So what I did not buy: LOL.

1. Juicy Couture handbag
2. Coach sling bag
3. Coach handbag for my mum
4. Coach keychain and cell phone accessory for my sister
5. Gap sweatshirt and sweatpants
6. Forever21 tights
7. Bandolino boots
8. AX tops
9. H&M scarf and socks
10. Polo shirt - its soooo awesome!
11. Skechers sneakers

I think this was all I spent for Black Friday period. Now, for the month of November itself, that's a different story..lol..

All that plus:
1. Zara coat
2. H&M dresses
3. Forever 21 tops
4. Steve Madden boots
5. Arden B. dress

One free night stay at my place in New York City for anyone who has the right guess. Valid from January 2nd - Jan 31st.

*eh, NY real estate not cheap okayyy?*

Next topic:

2 weeks ago = 1 week before thanksgiving, I wen to watch Mamma Mia on Broadway. And in August, I watched the Mamma Mia movie in Times Square's cinema.

As for the Broadway musical, it was AH-MAY-ZEENG! Plus, we got orchestra seats...It was really good, and one of those sing-along kinda things. Story line is simple but their voices and the way it was choreographed, it was just so intelligent. However, their set was a little too simple and a lil disappointing in my opinion. It was just revolving around one block of building where it first shows her attic. and that's where the wedding occurs, the 3 men arrives, and where she hides them and her friends.

That weekend itself was a surprise. First, to watch Broadway, then to watch Role Models with a bunch of friends. It's a good watch! One of those Harold & Kumar kinda humor. At first, I was reluctant to go cz it seemed like such a guy movie, but since my other friend was fine with watching a movie, we decided to go. Went to Flushing to watch it. The only funny thing was that the poster that they use to promote the movie - there was no such scene in this movie.

The next amazing weekend = this weekend.
I had an early pre-birthday celebration. I got to watch Little Mermaid on Broadway. and although it's a different genre from Mamma Mia, I have to say this one caught me a lil better. I was curious to see how creative they would get with the set, backgrounds, and water elements. No surprises there, I was pleasantly pleased, unlike the Lion King on Broadway, whereby I was really stunned by the opening song and how they portrayed the animals with very simple, but logical props on the actors/actresses.

And the lead actress who played Ariel has an awesome voice. but what's even more awesome is the kid who played Flounder's role. He has a POWERFUL voice. and when I mean powerful, its really POWER! During curtain call, he had the loudest cheer along with Sebastian, the crab.

I was very very curious to see how they would dress Sebastian up..Hmm..I expected a midget or a kid, somewhat, very short and stout...but out came this black guy in red costume. Black guy, I pretty much almost expected cz you CANNOT expect a white boy to talk like Sebastian. Sorry whities, but I just dont think you guys can pull it off. Also, red stands out better with black. :) Costume was simple, with a nice crab hat and some lil red thingies flinging around his calves. He did a good job on his part though, esp with the singing.

We got orchestra seats like somewhere around the 15th row and pretty central! Scream!!! buttt...we lined up about 1.5 hours to get the tickets from TKTS booth. All shows had 50% off, but Lil Mermaid only had 30% off. Hence, the ticket was pretty pricey. But thank YOU...ok fine, I didnt line up the whole 1.5 hours there.I woulda just froze in Times Square. After about 40 mins, I went into Body Shop to defrost myself. And started chatting with an Asian sales lady who was trying to sell me moisturizers.lol....itchy hand la cz I go take and try mah....

She ended up asking how old am I, where I am from, what I'm doing here, how long I've been in US and she was shocked that I was already working...as a result, she gve me 2 free samples from one of their best seller moisturizers. and I've gotta say, it is pretty damn good. It's the pink color night cream and day cream. I used to have Body Shop face moisturizer and I hated it so I swore I would never touch their face items again, after all, it isnt called THE BODY SHOP for nothing. but this is pretty damn good. I think I might try it once my current one runs out.

Before lining up for the tickets, we had dim sum with Alvin and his *haha* friend at Golden Bridge in Chinatown. I would always go back there again not only because it serves one of the best dim sums in town, but also bcz its cheap and also bcz the hostess made an extra effort and went the extra mile to get exactly what I wanted which wasnt available from the tray - siu mai and char siu pao. And the 3 guys who were sitting at my table were useless. The girl has to get up to get things done. and the 3 jantan just sat there shake leg only and eat.

after Mermaid, *oh this part has to have its separate paragraph later :) * wanted to go Olive Garden for food and wait was 50 mins!! decided to try TGIF instead. Thankfully, there was space....butttt...omgggg.....the price is 2X as expensive as a regular TGIF anywhere else..just because this was located in Times Square. Food was okay, but nothing fantastic la you know for that kinda price...kinda disappointed...the night didnt end too well.....after the whole perfect day

okay, here comes that special part.......I just found out that orchestra seats get their own BATHROOMS! and it's so clean and huge with lotsa mirrors. Nextime, I know what to do when Im not sitting in orchestra area......

and and and........when we stepped out of the theatre, it was snowinggggggg...! Ah! would you believe it? and he was just saying that he wanted to see snow before he goes back....the next perfect thing would have been to go on a horse-drawn carriage ride around central park...and take a picture at times square with all the lights and snow...aaaahhhhhhh.....

A girl's allowed to dream rightt........there is only so much of this she can dream before she hits 30 and face reality.......

2008-12-01T23:39:00.002-06:00

Loneliness drives many things.

It has driven me to something I should not do and should not have accepted.

But when the wave of emotion sweeps the loneliness away, it feels so good.

It feels like the sun has started to shine in Maine again.

It feels like the "other" window finally opened.

But what happens when the "other" window that opened has someone else's face peeking through it?

Loneliness....drove me to do something my mummy always told me not to.

But I miss it so much. We find comfort in each other.

Clumps of info

2008-11-06T16:23:00.002-06:00

My thoughts will be jumping about. like clumps of hair falling out. *bad metaphor i know!*
So here goes.

I last raved about my iPhone. so now I'm gonna whine about it: I can't forward text messages. *?????* Steve Jobs, what happened to your developers?? You put all the funky-schmunky things in there and the one simple thing you can't do is let your users forward text messages??

I wanna forward stupid stuff like "Don't forget to shave your vagina. It's the last day for Bush!" yesterday and I have to type and re-type and re-type it.

Picture messages also tak boleh but ok la, I don't use it that often so I'll let you off on that.

Random update #2: Company moved into a new office space on Park Avenue. Pweetee pweetee. That's all I can say. O ya, and Chipotle is rightttt next to us. How can I not complain? It's the life I wanted. Nice office with marble floors and elevators and glass doors on Park Ave with nice doorman in suit and you have to register your name before you're allowed to go upstairs. And our floor has a bar code pass thingy that you have to have the gadget in order to come inside. So cool lorrr..It's like the Manhattan life I've always dreamt off.

One thing that bugs me: the green 6 train that I have to take at 5.30-6pm everyday going uptown is like oh am jee. packed like tuna, sardines and ikan merah all in one plastic bag ok?
and thankfully its not malaysia whereby you can smell ppl's sweat from a mile away.

I'm just thankful that I'm headed in the Brooklyn direction on most days since I go to the gym in the Lower East Side. but still, that doesnt spare me from the smashed fish that I'm turning into.

Clump of hair falling out number 3: Landlady flew to Aruba for some 10-ish days and still isnt back. So, jeng jeng jeng. Kelvern's mum came upstairs to cook for quite a few times. and her dishes are AMAZIINNGGGGGG!! everyone SCREAMMMMMM! like really lorr...her cooking is so good. I get to bring good food for lunch to work everyday and my co-workers are so jealous. They smell it from 3 cubicles away and get even more jealous. and the COO thought I made it and asked if I could bring some for her.

but it doesnt come without a pricetag: a very dirty and smelly one too. I helped out when she's cooking. and one of the things she asked me to do:

I have to clean fish. EEWWW....in my entire life, I've never touched the inside of a fish.
*speaking of it is torturous enuff*
I had to clean it. take out the insides, the eggs, the red stuff, *EERGGGHHH*
There were 11 fishies. thankfully they were pretty small in size.
but with each fish that I cleaned, I muttered to myself
"Thank God in this world, there's such a thing as maids. If I had to do this everyday or even once a week, I really die faster. (sei tak fai)"

while the cat is away the mice come out to play. Landlady not around, I get good food, use all her ingredients, her kitchen, etc.

I also managed to steal a boy back home to sleep. HAHA. This would not have been possible if she were around. Her rule: Boys have to sleep on the sofa outside. No exceptions.

Now I have to leave office. cz its 5:44 pm! WHEEEEEEEEEE!!

tata.

iPhone

2008-10-19T20:24:00.002-05:00

Hypocrisy struck! oh let me tell u about it...iPhone and I go wayyyy back...*yea, even you didnt know rite?* when the iPhone first came out, I told my self, I'm not gonna get that PoS. cz it has no shape unlike the classic 8250 which to this day if they revamp it, I would buy it in a heartbeat. and also, it's dumb. It's just dumb. The only Apple thing I like is the iPod.

But but but....after my Daddy came in December/January last year, he was raving about it...and so we went to an Apple store to check it out and I must say it's pretty darn cool.

Had heard news that new 3G was gonna be released in July, fgured if I wait 3 months, someone would come up with an unlock code to crack it. but I guess Steve Jobs got smarter..or shld I say, his developers got smarter. He, himself isnt very smart. He created bad PR when the 3G iPhone launched and At&T couldnt handle the inflow of traffice that were flooding their stores. Hah! Bill Gates must have been enjoying his moment sitting in his large loft watching the news while smoking a cigar saying "Jobs Jobs, never did your homework and prepare eh?" while Melinda goes "hunny, be nice....he swept ur ass clean when he first came out with the Mac OS" and Bill shoots her a sharp electrifying glance. Haha..I can so totally imagine that happening.

Anyway, so yeah, couldn't control it anymore esp when my 2004 Nokia phone was cuting off every now and then and not receiving text msgs when its supposed to be.

So YAY! i got my iPhone. for FREE that is. HAHA. now u go figure that one out. it's an unlocked version - so called unlocked, it's just turbo sim, tricking the phone into thinking its an AT&T sim card which it actually isnt. I'm on T-Mobile. I think that's how it works. Sorry, this whole iPhone terminology thing has turn me into some bimbo I don't even recognize. Panic was in me a coupla days ago cz I can't transfer my contacts since I had to switch to the latest t-Mobile sim card and my iPhone died cz I turned 3G on or sth? since Im not allowed to cz Im not on AT&T.

enuff about iPhone. i know u fellow malaysians and uk-ites are turning green with envy. sorry, but that's part and parcel about getting and iPhone. not just about the phone itself, the satisfaction is in the feeling of making ppl jealous part. plus, mine was FREE. double jealous kayy???

facial was a lil disappointing. They didnt tweeze as much white and black heads as I would want them to. I mean, that's what I paid for rite? But their massage was pretty damn good.

and my trip to WI was AWESOME! i mean, just lounging around in ichen's hse doing nth but watching Moonlight Resonance (kah hou yuit yuin) is a feeling like never before.

and what's today's occasion? why am I blogging suddenly? because...jeng jeng jeng...

It's my first REAL weekend. like a 2-day weekend ok? I've been working 6 days a week for the past 3 months. felt like I was in a sweatshop with Chinese employers leh. Though they are pretty nice. But still, as nice as u are, I expect saturdays AND sundays off lorr..now that Im working with American company, I'm so happyyyyyyyyy.........WHEEEEEEEEE!!! let's rejoice.

and also to thank God for what he has given me, I'm trying my best to go for mass now that I have 2 day weekends. and today, I fulfilled it. I went to St.Patrick's cathedral .The oldest/biggest catholic church in United States. I've been there once before and it's magnificent. It's beautiful, it's grand. I just can't imagine how the churches are like in Rome, Vatican City and all. They must be much nicer. which much more skillful architecture.

and also also also.....................................

I can finally do my own laundry and fold clothes while watching HK drama or Gossip Girl. instead of having to drop my laundry off at the dry-cleaners every week. Cost money okay?????? but no choice la..i wanna appreciate my ONE and ONLY miserable day off in a week ma...

What am I feeling:
I wanna watch Bunny House - Anna Faris thing..soooo cute.

toodles.

So many....

2008-10-14T00:41:00.002-05:00

There's so many things I wanna tell you....

I wanna tell you about the time

.....that I sat in the minibus watching this couple and my eyes were red.
.....that I saw a movie, thought of you and cried.
.....that I walked back and forth trying to figure out which phone card stall has the best phone card.
.....that I couldnt decide which minutes plan I should choose because I don't know how often I
would be on the phone with you.
.....that I cried so hard that I thought I would go blind the next day. (i duno what got into me!)
.....that I tried to remember how does it feel to touch your face.
.....that I thanked God for letting me meet someone like you.
.....that I moved you over to "Friends" column on msn and hid the column. Yet everytime, I log on to msn, I would check to see if you're online.
.....that everytime I checked my phone, I'm hoping to see a missed call or sms from you.
.....that I loved having the heart-to-heart conversations with you. makes me feel like I'm getting to know you
.....that I imagined you would be walking side-by-side with me in school.
.....that I imagined I would be meeting you at the airport with hugs and kisses.
.....that I couldn't decide if I should go home after graduation because I wasn't sure if you wanted
to see me.
.....that I so promised myself I wouldn't call you until you called me. But I soooo cannot help it, bcz the minute there's something interesting/happy/sad, you're the first person I wanna share it with. you're the first person that I want the news to reach.

But of all things, I want to tell you about......

the deepest memory that's etched in my heart in the last 2 years......

is the one day in February 2008 where you knew I was mad, and it was one of the very few times you came from behind and held my hand and asked me what's wrong. I so wanted to melt but I couldn't because I didn't want you to know that I could be so easily bought by you. I just pretended like nothing was wrong. but I was reeling with happiness inside!

I will always remember that moment, that day, that perfect 3 seconds, along the alley of the seventeenth floor.

It will probably never happen again. I'm not counting on it. But I still keep my fingers crossed everyday because you never know when God will work a miracle.

I thank God for every single day that I am still in New York. Because I am living the life I've always wanted to in my dream city.

However, that being said....

I would be so relieved if I didn't get my visa and I get to go home.

Yet, I would be kinda sorta happy if I got my visa and got to stay in New York.

Weather's kinda nice here for October. Let's hope this good streak continues for a couple more weeks. Am soooo looking forward to Day Two at work :)

2008-09-01T23:21:00.002-05:00

" I don't trust something that bleeds for 7 days and still won't die."

-credit to Chee Meng.

Men.

All I can say: God should have created Eve first.

In Accordance with Everything Else

2008-08-28T10:55:00.004-05:00

I have officially been working at this place for almost 2 months. and I can't wait till 2nd week of October. because then, I don't have to work on Saturdays anymore. TEEHEE.

WI trip was awesome. I never imagined I would say I miss Milwaukee, but yes I do. Maybe it's the familiarity, maybe it's the friends. But damn sure, it's not the weather.

I rmb bitching to my mum about the Milwaukee friends when I first came, cz they were all so "kept-to-themselves" kind and kiasu kind. and they're not as opened as the friends I had before I came. Then, I realized it's just that everyone's new to the place so they are a lil more reserved about who they hangout closely with. Not that I'm bad influence or anything. RIGHT???

I went paintball-ing and it was soooo fun. YAY! im no longer a paintball virgin. Putting on the gear and carrying the gun itself was already exercise to me. By the time we got out there, within the first 5 mins of the game, running and hiding behind barrels, we were ALL out of breath. I think i can safely say so for the girls. Hehe. Like ohmigawd. how are we gonna continue for like 3 more hours??

It was all good fun plus 3 bruises and some tears and mcD's later. and my bruise mark is still visible on my thigh. how hideous!

Met up with Aunty Cindy at the Arts and Crafts fair. She was eyeing some pot of design to be put out front at her garden. It didnt look too bad when we actually saw it. But from the picture, it looked like junk. Like something you wouldnt wanna have ur neighbors comment on.

then it was pack pack pack. and I have so many friends to thank for for this trip.
IChen - for crashing at her place
Jannah - for helping me with shipping my stuff
Orel - for helping me with shipping stuff too
Sara - for picking me up from the airport and helping me with luggage allowance back to NYC.

And I just got a phone call from Aunty Cindy yesterday. Very sweet of her to just think of me then call. Unofficially, I have three mummies. to remind me about safety and not coming back so late and must eat healthily.

A friend from California came to NY to visit for the long weekend. That will have to be another post. In short, it was great as I got to be tourist again, plus watch Lion King with great view and my FIRST ever baseball game. Yankees! Not to mention all the fancy nice restaurants that we went to. Haven't done that in awhile, since I left Milwaukee at least. of which 3 out of 4 restaurants we went to needed reservation. That's how awesome New York food is!

So Kitty, you need to spend Christmas in New York City. Come come come!

Working life.

2008-07-31T22:18:00.003-05:00

I guess I havent blogged since I started working. I used to love working more than studying. Studying would be the last on my list of anything. But since moving to New York, I have to take a few steps back and think again. I still liked my ad agency job in Wisconsin the best. I like what I do, I learn alot, I get proper lunch breaks, I work with intelligent people, and I get to play video games.

Here......ah well, I won't say anything. It's better than not having a job. and I am going back to WI!!!! ahhhh!! 2nd home. almost.

I dreamt of you last night. You came to New York City to visit me. And I was overjoyed. I didnt want to wake up. I took leave for the 1-2 weeks you were here, and worked my ass off after that to re-pay all the hours. Liberty Island, Battery Park, some of the places I recall visiting with you. It's an honor for me to even be able to dream of it. Thank you.

I think our hearts are like bone marrows. When you donate a bone marrow to someone, it has to match EXACTLY, and it's not like you lose anything. I think it grows back or grows some more, or...*maybe it's just one of my shallow thoughts* but ppl never die or anything like that after donating their bone marrows.

It's just like our hearts. When we give our heart to someone, ie. love someone, it's not like we will run out of love, same like we dont run out of bone marrows. There will always be some more love from inside of us to give to someone else.

It's not like I have one heart and if I give you my heart, i got zero heart.

We give the love. The heart we keep. The heart can keep on pumping more and more love. and bone marrow has to match exactly before you can donate it to someone, same with heart. The fact that you gave your heart to this person, it means that both of you WERE a match at SOME POINT in time.

*squeals*squeals*squeals*

No one has ever came up with such a metaphor. I think I'm so good at this.
Note to self: add self-love.

But yeah, I think this is the reason why God gave us such capabilities. So that we will never be brought down by ONE person and never be able to move on after that. Because we still are able to love and give ourselves to others. and that is the beautiful part of love. It allows mistakes. How many things in life allows mistakes?

"When two people from two very different worlds are together, the point
where their worlds collide is the beauty of love."

We collided. in a zigillion different ways you could think of at different points of the sphere of our worlds.

But we are slowly drifting apart. Forces from opposite sides are pulling us back into where we came from, the reality. Zero crossover paths. Back to two mutually exclusive entities.

Unmatched. Unmet. Untied.

The Unknown Episodes

2008-06-26T22:49:00.003-05:00

A few days ago, I had a lot to say. But I never got around to www.blogger.com because I was too pre-occupied with my new found crush: Hong Kong drama.

Okay, fair enough. It's not new, but still. It's a crush alright?

Im following at least 3 different series at a time. And I got 2 more series sitting at my sewing machine-cum-desk waiting for me to give them a spin.

Anyway, now that I actually got my fingers to go to www.blogger.com, I don't have much to say. Not that nothing has been going on. It's just that I cant organize my thoughts coherently at this moment.

But, I should be starting work at The Company soon. The Supposed-to-be-Housemate is coming next week for July Fourth weekend. The Ex-Housemate is hopefully coming around that time too.

These are the few things that's keepin' me excited for the month of July.

Other than that, I seriously, really dont see how I can take vacation off any time in the next 2 months.

On the table, I lay down 2 options.

Option 1: Take a stretch of 5 days leave, Mon-Fri, which gives me a total of 9 days in total, including weekends, for me to have the all-gal trip and to go back to Milwaukee to ship my stuff. Fly there, fly back, takes 2 days out of the equation. That leaves me with 7 full days. 5 days to go for vacation and 2 days in Milwaukee to settle my stuff. Hmmmm.....well, it doesnt work that way, cz I have to fly there and fly back from the vacation place also.

Option 2: Take 3 days leave, which leaves me with 5 days of pure vacation. Milwaukee will have to wait till Labor Day plus take 1-2 days off, then fly there to settle my stuff. Does that work? It means I will have to talk to my boss to allow me to take leave twice within a span of 2 months, after starting work for 2 months. Which boss likes that?

Option 3: Dont work. until August. Hehe. I like that. But who's gonna hire me for 6 months till my OPT dies.

I like option 3.

Lately, been going to the salon alot. Got to chat with some of the gals quite a bit and they are a nice bunch. One of their birthdays was last week. Name's Tina. From Beijing, grew up in Guangzhou. Her Cantonese is exactly the kind you hear on TVB drama, the characters who come from China to work in HK. She spent me, aunty and Kelvern when we went to Atlantic City. Room and food all on her. Why? because she has SO MANY points from the casino. Absolute gambling addict. We had a SUPER CHINESE meal. Yes, think duck tongue, snail, chicken feet, cow intestines. I kid u not. I swallowed the duck tongue without tasting it, out of politeness. I refuse to touch the intestines and chicken feet. Now, for the snail, I got con into thinking it was a kind of vegetable. Aunty's boyfriend knew I wldnt eat it if I knew it was snail. I swear now I know what's "lo pin".

One of my favorite gals' birthday is next week. Name's Lisa. Always gives me food to eat. That's why I love her. Bought her something nice. Hopefully, the dishes she pick wont be as Chinese. She's Thai, so *cross fingers*. But her Cantonese is pretty damn good.

Someone had sent me money from abroad. Though it's not alot, I am grateful for the sincerity.

Why I love New York City:
I can get sotong strips.
I can get Satay Ikan. *I KNOW RIGHT?????? omg..*faints*
4 dishes and a soup with rice is only $3.25
There's free yoga at Bryant Park. *i love BP*
There's cheap clothes at 34th St. (Garment District)

Sometimes, I can only do so much. The rest is up to you.

I WENT ON A HELICOPTER.

2008-06-16T23:20:00.003-05:00

and i don't like it. Getting the bird-eye's view of Manhattan is awesome, but the ride, not so. It made me a lil nauseous and weird in the tummy.

But it's worth $175. and all the European tourists have to pay for it while I get it free. Hehe...plus I get to flirt with the pilot too :)

no, the pilot is not hot, not cute, not handsome and i DID NOT flirt with him. I talk to him. The word being talk.

So yeah, the day I got my helicopter flight, 3 days later, I was out of there. MWAHAHAHA..i just wanted to get the flight free of charge while earning some moolah. O yeah, and I got away with their company t-shirts too, of which I have to return 1, of the 2 I have. bcz the boss is such a bitch that way that she called me to tell me to return them.

Asst. Manager says there's sth between us bcz she feels like I dont get along with her, but everyone else likes me and loves talking to me. So she was trying to figure out what's wrong. and im like nothing's wrong. I really didnt feel anything was wrong. She mentioned that when she came into the room and said sth to me, I didnt respond. i was UTTERLY SHOCKED. because I dont recall hearing her talk to me. I told her honestly, I really didnt hear. She thinks I have a problem with her being Asst. Manager and she starts telling me that she isn't power hungry or whatsoever and she doesnt care about anything of that sort. Then, we ended it with a "so, we cool?"

And then I broke the news to her. I wanna quit. because I am not getting enough time off to do interviews which is what I need in order to get a full time job. And, she persuaded me by asking me to stay to do part time bcz currently they have an issue with one of the gals, who happens to be the best friend of the German bitch boss. Her best fren isnt doing what she is supposed to do, showing up late to work, etc. No wonder they are best friends. God made this world fair and square. And, Im like sure. we'll see how my work goes and if I have time, ill do part time, on the weekends or sth. and the asst. manager said she will talk to the manager about it first.

Next thing I know, today I received a voice mail from the german shepherd. She doesnt want me working part-time cz she doesnt want me to be using it as an in between job kinda thing. But it is, STUPID. Oh, I mean Schlutzker. u pay me hourly and u dont call it part-time, what u call it? labor abuse? and, she mentioned that also she doesnt want me to work part time bcz I dont get along with Lorraine (asst. manager), which is like what the fuck, because we already resolved that problem without ur high german nose poking in.

and also she said, because I use the Internet at work. which is dumbass. cz I used it the first time, and she said no using it for personal use, so i said ok. I made it a point to not do it in front of her..but EVERYONE else goes on facebook there. and i dont. I use it for email cz I need to know if i got replied from sending out my resume. Unless someone bitched about it, she must have been a bitch to just bring this up for the FIRST time i used it at the first day of work. So, I think she's just making an excuse or someone bitched about it. and that someone has gotta be Rolando, Lorraine's brother. cz most of the time i work with him. and he facebooks for 45 mins when the schlutzker isnt there. and lorraine had already said she dont mind us using the internet.

and she said she is satisfied with my work there and i did a great job doing what i was supposed to do.like DUHH..do u think everyone is like u? and of course, what do u expect? a lousy job done? I'm the only graduate amongst all of them. Of cz im organized, and i do an excellent job. and she asked me to return the t-shirts. haha. im keeping one, u dumbnut.

and i dont know if she went to college in US. but she moved to US/NY 13 years ago .She came on a NANNY EXCHANGE. now can everyone pls hold a tissue and burst out laughing????HAHAHAAHAHAHA...that's the BEST, or should I say stupidest reason i've ever heard someone give for coming to the US. Nanny exchange, which prolly explains why she is like that. and i dont think she went to college. She has no idea what she is doing. very disorganized. esp in paperwork. resulting in employees not getting paid eventhough they've worked there for a month, which is absolutely unacceptable by American standards. and she is supposed to be doing "marketing", which she isnt. I heard this from one of my co-workers who is the closest to me. His father happens to be 1 of the 3 owners of the company. Ppl get into fights with her all the time and alot of ppl dont get along with her. but, i forgot to mention one point. She has huge tatas and flat bumbum. and she is very tall. I see that as her only redeeming value. if' it's even a value.

Oh yeah, and a couple days ago, 3 of us were supposed to go for a security class at the airport in order to get our IDs. cz we work at the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey. (u know the whole deal where americans are so afraid of being bombed.even in helicopters.) Laugh please. so i woke up late the next day, cz i forgot to set the alarm. I made up an excuse that my leg was injured and that I needed to go see the doctor, which is partially true. the pain part. the day before, towards the end of the day, I was limping. so much so that the asst. manager took over the loading the passengers part on the ramp cz I just almost couldnt walk and i was limping all the way home from the subway station. The next morning, it still felt painful, but a lil better. Since I woke up late, i decided to use that as a good excuse. I texted her and told her what happened, and she knew my leg was injured the day before she said ok, feel better.

5 hours later, she sent this bombastic text msg which completely blew me away. in a bad, bad way. She said that Rolando, rmb?? didnt show up too and that we are taking this class as a joke. and she said she wouldnt doubt the extent of my pain. but she was wondering if I couldnt go to the doctor's after the class. I had to explain to asst manager later that it was chinese doctor and that my aunt took me and she had to work, so she can't go in the afternoon. But for an American to say that she wont doubt the extent of my pain, is in other words doubting it. and this is a big no-no for Americans. If you say ur sick, ur sick. they buy it. bcz they are dumb and nice like that. she is a german shepherd. that's why. HAHAHAHA.

anyway, she said, she was gonna reschedule the class for next week, if we both dont show up, we will both have to stay away from work for a week, which in this case, she said, it might not be fair for me. which i agree with my whole soul and life. and at this point, i started receiving invitations to go for interviews. and i really didnt wanna go to that class. cz it's at 8.30am. which means I have to get up at 6.30am. so i decided then, that i would quit.

end of story.

oh yeah, i found out why Rolando didnt go for the security class. He was actually there already. but late, like 5-10 mins. and they didnt allow him in. teehee. schlutzker german shepherd had mentioned that we HAVE to be there slightly before 8.30, or else they aboslutely won't let us in.

Rolando Orlando. if u rat on me about the internet usage, u deserved this. heheheheheh...if you didnt, ...........................oh well, u deserve this too. cz i said so. hahahaha..

New York New York

2008-06-06T13:43:00.005-05:00
Been real busy the last 4 weeks with doing nothing. of course not. I roamed the streets of Manhattan. with my mummy.

Week 1 - club, drink, party, gossip, chat. I got done with work one day before finals ended. and partied and hungout with those who got done too. Wheeeee! it was a sad nostalgic day as I left the office. and i seriously questioned my sanity as I left that workplace of 4 months to me.

A secure job, with cheap apartment rental. and with plenty o' galfrens to gossip with.

not to mention the $98 BCBG dress that i so wanted.

What was I thinking? or was I even thinking?

Week 2 - Mummy came. Brought her to meet Romokun and the gang of priests and Indonesian friends. Went to Public Museum and saw Body Worlds, for the 2nd time for me. Just so you know, if you bring your passport or international ID card, you get 50% of the Body worlds, and FREE admission to the regular museum. Wheeeee..

Then stayed in a lil shabby hotel in Chicago called Red Roof Inn, which wasn't too bad other than the service. The room is pretty much like Allerton Hotel. but the location was fantastic. Only thing is, the nearest subway station is 5 freakin' blocks away. how do u expect my 3 year old Nike shoe to withstand that? *blahs ridiculously* And btw, we paid expensively for that hotel. boo.

Time to move out. Mummy helped pack everything that I needed to bring to NY, while I double checked the air tickets, the hotel, etc. and I paid $20 for extra baggage. Air tran kiam siap. Mummy pulled the bedsheets, did the laundry, and re-packed what I had packed. because she said I duno how to pack wor. Alex and Ajeng sent me off at the airport. I know i will miss them. and all the other indonesians too. i miss playing badminton. walking in between places to subway stations are the only form of exercise I get.

Week 2 - still. yes, i know how to count. the Queens room in NY, is DUSTY like feather duster. ok, not a very good comparison, but YES. while my mum was cleaning the room, the landlady had the nerve to tell my mum that she already swept the room clean. gross. its covered with dust. and everythnig is just so old and dirty. she has this ANCIENT looking sewing machine which i use as my partial table for laptop, it's so dusty, i assure you she hasnt sewn for 20 years.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH THAT WILL FETCH ON EBAY?????

old ppl, i tell u. they duno the value of ebay.

anyway, she is a collector aka hoarder. she alone in this 2 bedroom apartment has 5 toothbrushes in the toilet!

Anyway, Week 3- brought my mum to tour NYC, Liberty Island, Ellis Island, Rockefeller Center to do my visa, outlet shopping in New Jersey. and i am so amazed. they have gucci and burberry. they have european shops leh! beats aurora hands down! bye my love. also brought her to chinatown, little italy, and to meet kelvern's mum.

Week 4 - Went to Niagara Falls. Speaking of which, we stayed in the Hyatt, and I paid twice of what I paid for chicago, but we stayed for 3 freakin' nites, as opposed to one nite in the shabby lil place. tsk tsk. and buffalo?? mannn..that place was dead like a.................................Buffalo. On memorial day, there was absolutely nothing opened. we couldn't even find a place to eat! the only place where there were people was the finish line for some cancer fund raise marathon thingy. buffalonians can run. Haha. wat a joke! Went outlet shopping YET AGAIN because I am wasteful like that. and so is my mummy. But guess what?? we bought like $4 Gap tops, $15 Gap sweatshirts, $7-$10 Benetton, Brooks Brothers and Esprit shirts, all the cheap cheap stuff lah basically. and after all that scrounging around to get the best deal to save money, we ended up splurging on none other than handbags. I bought a Coach handbag and a Burberry purse, while she got a Burberry bag!!! AAAHHHHH!! cheaper than London ok??? she said, im gonna tell daddy, i replaced my iPhone with this bag. i dowan the iPhone. i have to spend time learning how to use it. i dont have to spend time learning how to use this burberry bag. tsk tsk. mummies. oh yeah, and there's this $1 shop in Buffalo and guess what i bought there?? I went all the way to Buffalo to buy $1 floor cloth and $1 hand cloths to bring back to NY for my room...

WHATTTTT????? you can never get $1 cloths here okay? and i bought $2 sunglasses. they look cool and nice. but it doesnt block the sun as well as an AX would. i didnt have a choice. it was so sunny in buffalo that day, i swear my contact lens could've melted in my eyeballs.

Came back to NY, brought mummy to Central Park. Then Kelvern's mum and bf brought mummy and I to Flushing to get my grocery needs take care of. and we went to this Awesome Awesome place called East Buffet. It's $15 for dinner buffet. and they serve crabs, lobster, sushi, mussels, lamb chops, steak, and all sorts of food from Eastern style to Western style. and no limits on the lobster and crabs. $15! can u believe it?? it's like striking the lottery of seafood..

No, make that lottery of FOOD.

oh gawd..just thinking about it makes me roll over in hunger. and aunty is sooo chinese leh. to the point that she says "Eh, the sushi, dont eat the rice part. just eat the eel. eat rice part will make u full lah!"

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

A true New Yorker Chinatown aunty.

Last day - Jun 1st. Mummy left early in the morning. and I stood at the gate watching her get into the car. and i teared. a little. went back to sleep. woke up a couple hours later mumbling, "Mummy, do what today?"

then i realized mummy was already at the airport checking in, and i teared a lil again. and texted her, telling her to have a safe flight. and i checked the button that she sewed on my jacket. so neat. thank you mummy. she called me later on.

and i dont know what on earth she did to my lappie, but I have my windows configured with icons such that it looks like a Mac. but i woke up to a Windows XP theme on my lappie. yes, mum, that confirms that you don't deserve the iPhone. You hate Apple so much that you have to revert my theme back to Windows.

She pled not gulity.